Worryingly common act causing wives to leave their husbands

A woman has exposed a “trivial” household act that can lead to divorce – and it’s worryingly common. Are you guilty of it?

A husband’s “lazy” act after his wife cooked him and their toddler dinner has exposed a worryingly common act causing women to end their marriages.

Amanda Palacio filmed herself confronting her other half after finding he’d placed their family’s leftover pasta and tomato sauce in an uncovered saucepan in the fridge.

In the clip, the young mum can be heard shouting “no, no, no, no, NO,” as she opens the fridge and finds the pot, complete with serving spoon, placed on one of the shelves.

“I been seeing videos like this and never thought it would happen to me,” she wrote in text over the footage.

But when she asks her husband, “Why did you do this? Why did you put this whole pot in there?”, he simply laughs and takes the phone out of her hand.

The TikTok video has amassed almost 6 million views in the few days since it was shared, with many pointing out it is a clear example of “weaponised incompetence”.

While the term has become popularised in recent years, the act itself has been plaguing marriages for centuries, with statistics showing communication problems as the most commonly cited cause for divorce across both men (33 per cent) and women (23 per cent), according to the Australian Institute of Family Studies.

The most recent data also shows legal separations are on the rise, with divorces recorded at 2.2 per 1000 Australian residents in 2021, up from 1.9 the year prior, the Australian Institute of Family Studies stated.

Australian psychologist Carly Dober explained that weaponised incompetence is defined as “someone knowingly or unknowingly demonstrating an inability to perform or to complete certain tasks which then encourages or forces others to take on more work”.

“This usually occurs between work colleagues and between partners in the household,” Ms Dober, who works at Melbourne’s Enriching Lives Psychology clinic, told news.com.au.

A woman’s viral video has exposed a worryingly common act that causes wives to leave their husbands. Picture: TikTok/worldpeas

“People might not actually do this intentionally – it might occur because the person is anxious or uncomfortable and wants to avoid responsibility or negative evaluation of their work.

“There are times, however, when this is intentional and it is typically to gain more time for rest and leisure.”

Ms Dober noted that while “all sexes and genders can be guilty of weaponising incompetence”, the rise of social media in recent years has seen women discussing its prominence within heterosexual relationships and marriages.

As Ms Palacio explained in the comments section of her video, the frustration is not about the act itself, “It’s the having to repeat myself that I’m truly upset about”.

“I cook everyday and I don’t make easy meals. The least he could do is just put it away properly,” she said.

Many women replied, sharing their own similar experiences.

“Once my bf put the whole crockpot with the plug and everything in the fridge instead of just the bowl inside,” one stated.

“I experience this regularly, and it makes me mad, but every time I confront him about it, he turns it over to me and say I’m just unreasonably angry,” confessed another.

Others agreed that putting the pan directly in the fridge instead of transferring the leftovers to a food-safe container was “grounds for breaking up”.

“The way he laughed because he KNEW. Doesn’t he realise that uncovered, food becomes dry and hard?” speculated one.

“OMG I felt this in the very hollows of my body, that’s the mamas tortured and fed up,” agreed another.

Australian psychologist Carly Dober said ‘all sexes and genders can be guilty of weaponising incompetence’. Picture: Supplied

However there were some who said they felt sorry for the husband, with one writing: “To be honest I do feel bad for a lot of men cause we were never taught nor even told how to maintain stuff kitchen wise.”

Others said the wife was “in the wrong” for shouting at her partner, prompting Ms Palacio to respond, stating: “That tone only comes after you’ve already gone through so much.”

Ms Dober said anyone on the receiving end of weaponised incompetence “can feel devalued” in a multitude of ways.

“It can feel like you’re being taken advantage of and taken for granted, which can cause additional stress and anxiety from the unequal division of labour,” she explained.

“They can lose sleep, the additional time taken on extra work can chip in to self-care time, hobbies, and other areas of their life.

“In extreme cases, victims can even start to self-medicate to manage the stress, and societally- this can further entrench unhelpful and outdated gender scripts that “men provide while women take care of the home.”

The husband had placed a pot filled with leftover dinner his wife had cooked in the fridge – without covering its contents. Picture: TikTok/worldpeas

The ‘lazy’ act left her fed-up, and many rallied to validate the experience and feeling. Picture: TikTok/worldpeas

While there’s no direct data that shows weaponised incompetence causes marriage breakdowns and can lead to divorce, statistics reveal women are the Main Initiators of Divorce.

Figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics show 39 per cent of divorces were initiated by the wife while just 28 per cent of divorces are filed by the husband.

Anecdotally, so-called “trivial” reasons are being shared for the demise of these relationships, as demonstrated in Matthew Fray’s viral essay “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink”.

“Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher,” he wrote in the 2016 piece for HuffPost.

“It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.

“Every time she’d walk into the kitchen and find a drinking glass by the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet.”

But as experts who subsequently analysed the article surmised, “it wasn’t really about the dishes, of course. It was about everything that had preceded the death of a marriage, every missed opportunity and misread expectation. It was, as he wrote at the time, the poignant metaphor of ‘making her feel sad, alone, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, afraid’.”

One man wrote in a viral essay his wife ‘divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink’. Picture: iStock

There is hope out there for anyone whose marriage or relationship is being rattled by weaponised incompetence, Ms Dober said.

“Both people should openly discuss what is happening with one another. Listen to the other persons perspective and share the impact this has on you.

“Understand what might be causing this behaviour and try to work together to find a solution. “This might mean taking out paper and a pen and writing down all the chores in the household that need to be done and the time it takes to do so, so your partner can see with their own eyes all the work that is done.”

Once this has been done, Ms Dober instructs couples to create a new schedule of chores that works for everyone, and consider outsourcing chores or tasks, and devise a plan for avenues of skill acquisition if someone doesn’t have the knowledge or confidence to complete a task.”

“If your partner can’t cook, they might attend cooking classes or look up easy recipes,” she suggested.

Originally published as Worryingly common act causing wives to leave their husbands