How to initiate sex without making things awkward

There's an art to it

While putting yourself out there can be daunting, successfully initiating intimacy all comes down to how your partner likes to be approached, sexologist Lauren Bradley explains.

While love may not have everything to do with it (at least according to the late Tina Turner), how we initiate sex can be a make-or-break factor for getting lucky according to new research by Lovehoney.

The 1,500-person survey uncovered how adults prefer sex to be initiated by their partners with physical touch coming in at number one with 51 per cent; romantic gestures were in second place with 49 per cent and non-verbal cues were number three with 47 per cent. 

The top six were rounded up by direct communication, mutual initiative and with a clear nod to our digital world, text messages were number six with 27 per cent of adults preferring a naughty notification to get things started.

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Love Therapy Australia sexologist Lauren Bradley says the importance of initiating sex reiterated by the study isn’t surprising as how we do this is often key to the level of pleasure that will follow.

“There can’t be fire without a spark, sex needs to start with both or one of the partners initiating it,” she tells Body+Soul.

“Couples often have incongruous sex initiation styles – where both will want the other person to start so sex is never initiated, or one will be turned on by touch and the other needs emotional connection. 

Finding out how your partner likes to be engaged is critical to creating the perfect sexual script. Couples often say they want sex to start spontaneously, where partners are ready to go at the same time, this is very rarely the case and how you initiate sex can really impact the likelihood of sex,” Bradley says.

'Failure to launch' is completely common. Image: Unsplash

But if your relationship is new, or you’re just unsure, how do you establish what your partner prefers and how do they know how you like that fire to be started?

Well, like most things, it comes down to communication says Bradley.

“If you don’t know how your partner likes to initiate sex, ask them, or try new things and explore new ways of starting the fire. It’s important to leave ego at the door because to have regular sex, you need to be comfortable with also not having sex and the stars not aligning,” she says.

This failure to launch is completely common and shouldn’t be held onto says Bradley.

 “It’s okay to initiate sex and for your partner to not be ready, don’t let it put you off trying again, but be sure to get their feedback on what you could do differently next time.”

Something else that is common, Bradley says, is a person having more than one preference for how they like sex to be initiated so it might not be a one-size-fits-all situation.

“People can experience a combination of sex initiation styles and a preference for different styles at different times,” she says.

It can also change over time and between genders the Lovehoney survey revealed– with older couples preferring direct communication, while Gen Z was a fan of romantic gestures, men preferred physical touch while women also said romantic gestures were their number one. 

Sex needs to start with both or one of the partners initiating it. Image: Unsplash

Even star signs influenced people’s preferences the survey found.

“Capricorns prefer physical touch the most among all the signs, with almost two-thirds (60 per cent) preferring their partner to use this initiation technique.” 

But regardless of your gender, age, star sign or experience, initiating sex isn’t easy for everyone with some people understandably finding the experience daunting with the fear of rejection if the offer isn’t accepted. 

For those who aren’t as comfortable or confident in trying different ways to initiate sex, or if you’re just looking for some new ideas, Bradley shares four main sex initiation styles to help light that intimate fire:

Seductive-exotic 

 This style prefers teasing and the game, they like flirtation, the build-up and anticipation of sex. 

“They like to feel desired so show them how much you crave them,” says Bradley. 

Sensation

 This style initiates sex through physical touch. 

“The right stroke of the right body part ignites their passion. Find out what sensation feels the most sexual for this partner and connect through touch experiences,” Bradley says.

Sentimental-emotional 

This style initiates sex through emotional connection and closeness. 

“The way to sex is via their heart, so pull out all the romance and care,” she says.

Surrender 

This style doesn’t like to initiate sex, they prefer for others to take the lead. 

“Be sure to seek consent first and then tell them what you want to do them,” Bradley says.

Originally published as How to initiate sex without making things awkward