Melbourne’s dumbest crooks to go down in 2020 including Bentleigh bandit Stuart Holmes

A Caulfield Grammar old boy who knocked over his local post office is among Melbourne’s dumbest crooks to go down in 2020. But who is the dumbest?

Stuart Holmes, Jack Quinlivan and some of Melbourne’s other dumb crooks.

All crooks are created dumb but some are more dumb than others which is evident among the most recent bumbling Melbourne crims to fall on their sword.

Check these hairbrained schemes which include an “armed” robber knocking over a Pancake Parlour with a knife and fork, a hood who did over a delivery driver for a large pizza and soft drink and a young woman who did time for lifting a Bubble-O Bill.

Of course don’t forget about the infamous one-legged bandit who copped to an Eastland jewellery heist and a Chadstone dildo score.

Stuart Holmes robbed an East Bentleigh post office by knifepoint then skated back to his partner's home. Facebook.

COMICAL HEIST ENDS QUICKLY

This armed robber made his victim think he was just kidding when he held up a Bentleigh East post office wearing a long wig.

Stuart Holmes then skateboarded back to his partner’s house and was arrested 15 minutes after he used a 30cm bread knife to rob Mackie Rd Post Office on September 23, 2019.

The then 48-year-old demanded staff hand over cash, saying, “Nobody move, I want all of the money,” and telling a 17-year-old customer to “get against a wall”.

But the teen thought the situation was a joke so recorded the robbery on her phone.

Staff handed Holmes $6500 cash before he skateboarded away.

The Caulfield Grammar old boy managed to consume white wine, Diazepam, GHB and ice before the 1.30pm heist.

Judge Carolene Gwynn said Holmes’ offence was serious and obviously pre-planned despite it “presenting in a somewhat ridiculous fashion”.

PIZZA BANDIT’S HIGH STAKES DINNER

A knife-wielding thug committed armed robbery all to get pizza and soft drink for him and his mates.

Peter Cherrill threatened a Tarneit Pizza Hut delivery driver with a knife when the man arrived with his dinner on September 17, 2019.

The then 18-year-old pointed a knife at the driver’s face and chest in the street while his mates stole their order out of the guy’s car.

Pizza bandit Peter Cherrill.

KNIFE AND FORK HOLD UP

A man threw a bowl of lollies at Pancake Parlour staff, waved his knife and fork and yelled, “I’m robbing you”, in what a judge deemed was a “rather pathetic” armed robbery.

Robert Macleod went to buy a $25.70 meal at the Fountain Gate restaurant on February 25, 2019 but, instead of paying, took his cutlery to the counter and waved his knife and fork at the staff, yelling “give me all your money” and “I’m robbing you”.

The then 47-year-old threw his cutlery at an employee, hitting him in the stomach, and fled the store.

Judge Gabrielle Cannon said Macleod’s offending was “rather pathetic” but was “serious and deserving of a punishment”.

“(It’s) no way in which to behave (and) not a laughing matter. It’s time for you to behave yourself once and for all,” she told him when sentencing him.

Mohmoud El-Achkar pleaded guilty to armed robbery.

REMORSEFUL ROBBER’S FUTILE HEIST

A plumber wielded a knife to get a Coburg service station attendant to give him the contents of the till before he returned the cash to her two minutes later.

Mohmoud El-Achkar was angry when he got the employee to hand him the $150 at Sydney Rd Caltex just before 6pm on December 9, 2019, repeatedly telling her to “hurry up”.

He then left the store and ran towards an alley before going back to the locked store two minutes later.

He waved the cash at the employee, who let him into the store, where he placed the money on the counter.

El-Achkar said said “Sorry, I f****d up” or “sorry I’m just trying to f**k my life up” then left.

El-Achkar then rang police and confessed his crimes.

His lawyer told the court at his plea he had severe mental health issues and was using cocaine and steroids heavily at the time.

“His motivation for committing the offence was not for financial gain but rather was to gain the attention of police and to be shot upon his arrest,” the lawyer said.

BOGUS BROTHER CLAIM

A drug driver tried to impersonate his twin brother when he was caught drug driving without a licence.

Douglas O’Connor tried to tell officers he was his identical twin and even handed them his brother’s licence when they pulled him over on September 11, 2019 on the Bass Highway in Kilcunda.

His car bore false registration plates and when police pressed him on his name he eventually fessed up to them that he’d lied about his identity.

Ice, cannabis and GHB were also found in his car.

Jack Quinlivan was jailed for armed robbery. Instagram.

STUMPY THE BANDIT STRIKES TWICE

A one-legged bandit who was armed with a hammer and crutches when he robbed $20,000 of rings from a jeweller was stepping up his game from shoplifting sex toys from a chemist.

Jack Quinlivan, a lower-leg amputee, targeted Holdsworth Bros. Jewellers at Eastland shopping centre on May 13, 2019, after getting an employee to pull expensive rings out of a display cabinet.

Quinlivan took the rings off the court and shouted at staff to “take out all their expensive items” because he was there to “rob them”.

Armed with a hammer, he told staff “not to do anything silly”, saying he had a “revolver” and would shoot a female employee.

Staff bolted to the exit and pulled the shutter down to lock Quinlivan in the store but he used his crutches to prise the security door open.

The bandit then threatened to shoot a cleaner who prevented his escape and fled in a taxi.

He was on a drug cocktail of heroin, meth, Xanax, cannabis and Endone at the time.

In November 2018 he had shoplifted a vibrator, climax stimulating gel and delay gel from Chemist Warehouse Chadstone.

When arrested he told police he had just “borrowed” the items and must have forgotten to pay due to his PTSD.

Lauren Felici spent six days behind bars for stealing a Bubble O'Bill.

CHIVALROUS SHEEP

A young Keysborough woman stole gym goers’ cars and racked up hefty bills on their bank cards to “keep her boyfriend happy”.

Lauren Felici pilfered car keys from gym locker rooms across the southeast and used them to steal cars during a month-long crime spree in September 2019.

The then 22-year-old also stole wallets from the cars and used them to buy thousands of dollars’ worth of groceries, electronics and petrol at shops in Bentleigh, Cheltenham, Ashwood and Oakleigh South in September 2019.

She then managed to remain crime-free for almost nine months, but broke her good-behaviour streak to steal a $3.50 Bubble O’Bill from a Coles Express in St Kilda.

At her sentencing, Felici’s lawyer told the court she committed the crime spree to make her criminal boyfriend happy.

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