North v South in Melbourne’s very own Game of Thrones

Northsiders sneer over their craft beers at Toorak tractor drivers, while Southsiders turn their sculpted noses up at trimmed beards and braided armpits. So which side are you on?

The North v South rivalry of Range Rovers and Jaggad v trimmed beards and craft beer has moved to the beach for summer and become the Peninsula v Portsea.

In Melbourne, whichever side of the river we reside on has long defined the type of guy or gal we think we are.

Northsiders love to sneer over a rollie and craft beer at the upper-crusters driving their Toorak tractors, damning Dan to anyone who will listen while wearing pastel polos and slip-ons without socks.

Southsiders turn their sculpted noses up at the manicured beards and braided armpits of some north of the Yarra.

The Southside talk the talk and walk the Tan in their Lululemon activewear.

The Southsiders love to walk The Tan in their Jaggad and P.E. Nation. Picture: NCA NewsWire

Correction: that was soooo 2018. Now it’s all about Bec Judd’s Jaggad line, or P.E. Nation and don’t even start on Rozalia Russian’s Atoir leisure lockdown staple. As the bronzed and shredded “walk and talk,” the anti-vaxxers on the other side of the Yarra bang on about the dangers of 5G.

What’s with these alkylined water-drinking wowsers and what’s with all the cupping on display? So Gwyneth Paltrow circa 2004.

Both sides of the Yarra love to deride each other in what has become our very own Game of Thrones.

Once school’s out for summer, the great Southside divide widens.

So, when the beach umbrellas are dusted off on the South side, where do you holiday doll, Portsea or Lorne?

Those on there Bellarine refer to Portsesa as the dark side. It’s all Aperol spritz and boats in Portsea and Sorrento, long a haven for the old school blue bloods and business elite: think surnames like Baillieu, Deague, Little, Beck and Fox.

04/11/20 Trucking magnate Lindsay Fox in his St Kilda road office. Aaron Francis/The Australian

Some of the more wealthy parents have hired private security guards to trail around after their adolescents after the kids commandeered their beach shacks when schoolies celebrations were dropped.

Wary Air BnB hosts cancelled bookings fearing holiday hell.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Fox, one of the neighbourhood’s wealthiest residents, has found his compound on Millionaire’s Walk, back making headlines.

The upmarket trucker has had many a tangle with local councils and activists over his helipad and the beach below.

Why not a sign saying, Passing another Fox.

“Portsea and Sorrento is what Palm Beach is to Sydney’s Double Bay – it’s where the wealthy of Toorak have always had their holiday homes,” says Rob Curtain, managing director of Peninsula Sotheby’s International Realty.

Ricky Ponting has a house in Portsea.

Shane Warne bought a Portsea block near Ponting. Picture: David Caird

But like Sorrento’s sifting sands, the cashed up technology savvy young bloods are moving in. Spin king Shane Warne has bought a $4 million block just a ball’s length down the road from Ricky Ponting and media baron Antony Catalano.

Curtain says wealthy Baby Boomers are cosying up with tech-savvy families who have built enormous wealth quickly and aren’t afraid to spend it.

Which brings us to the less ostentatious, but no less moneyed types along the Bellarine’s Surf Coast.

Lorne is awash with former footy stars turned media talent. Brian Taylor has a house on top of the hill. Mick Malthouse is closer to the action, while Billy Brownless can be spotted having a frothy, with the time always set to happy hour.

The Lorne pub, where kids once got down and dirty before schlepping up the hill wondering how to hide their pash-rash, is now oh-so-trendy.

Joel and Brit Selwood call Barwon Heads home.

Billy Brownless is a regular on the Peninsula.

Frank Camorra of MoVida has the space downstairs and award-winning chef Adam Da’Sylva has moved in for pub dining upstairs. Tra-la-la!

Barwon Heads, once dubbed a gateway to heaven, has long shed its sleepy-hollow vibe for a surf culture mixed with boat shoes and chinos.

Carlton footy club great Percy Jones can be seen “on the pine” at the town roundabout.

The seat commands a view of Barwon Heads main street, Hitchcock Ave where nothing escaped the four-time premiership player and coach’s gaze during the COVID-19 lockdown.

Melbourne’s David Schwartz is often on the golf course at BH, while cricket commentator Mark “Howie” Howard can be seen barefoot taking on a skateboard outside cafe Starfish.

The Selwoods are the latest to call Barwon Heads home, with the Geelong skipper and his insta-influencing wife Brit in a house dubbed the cat’s ears by those on their way to the 19th hole at the golf club.

The school bell might not have rung, but if you’re not down on one on the peninsulas, or even north of the Yarra back in town, there’s always Byron.

Relocating is just so en vogue, dahhling!