Relationship Rehab: Awful reason woman’s partner doesn’t find her attractive

A woman’s self-esteem has hit rock bottom after one thing that her partner told her about the way she looks.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman whose partner doesn’t find her attractive anymore because she’s gained weight during Covid.

QUESTION: I put on some weight during Covid and I’m still struggling to lose it. I’m trying to get fit again and my partner is supportive in helping me shift the weight. The problem is, we’ve stopped having sex and he says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. He jokes that he married a skinny model and now I’m a big heifer. I don’t know what to do as my self-esteem is at rock bottom. If I lose weight will he want sex with me again? I’m worried he’s going to go elsewhere.

Many people found themselves gaining weight during lockdowns through the pandemic. Picture: iStock

ANSWER: You’re not alone in putting on weight over Covid. It’s been a challenging couple of years for many people and weight gain hasn’t been uncommon. Losing weight is often harder than many people imagine it to be.

I wish we lived in a culture that was more accepting of a variety of body shapes, but I’m well aware of the pressure and judgment many of us feel around weight. I’m sorry (but not surprised) that this is impacting your self-esteem.

Helping women feel more comfortable and confident with their bodies, regardless of their shape, size or age is part of my work as a sexologist, but it’s your relationship that I want to focus on here.

I’m deeply concerned about the role your partner is playing in your plummeting self-esteem. I’m also concerned about the long-term viability of your relationship, due to his focus on appearance, the way he communicates with you and the fact that you’re worried he’ll cheat because of the way you look.

Honestly, I’m still in shock at hearing your partner describe you as a “heifer”. Even if that’s not the exact word he used, and even if it was used in jest, it’s concerning.

It would be easy for me to criticise your partner about the way he’s speaking to you and tell you that you deserve better, but I know that relationships (and decisions about whether to leave them or not) aren’t that simple.

There’s so much about the dynamic between you and your partner that I’m not privy to here. I’m also aware that there is something within you that allows you to accept someone speaking to you the way your partner does and beliefs you have that impact what you think you can offer in a relationship.

Is appearance important in a relationship?

I can’t deny that appearance (including weight) is important to some people in relationships. As much as I wish that weight wasn’t an issue in attraction, I know that in some cases, it is.

While it’s possible to continue to be highly attracted to a partner even through changes in appearance, I’m not going to judge your partner for what turns him on.

Your partner can’t control whether or not he’s attracted to you, but he can control how he speaks to you about it and whether or not he chooses to have sex with someone else.

Partners should always help you feel loved and accepted. Picture: iStock

Is it OK for your partner to comment negatively on your appearance?

I’m concerned about the role your partner’s criticism is having on your self-esteem. Your partner should always help you feel loved, safe and fully accepted. It’s not OK for him to make comments that decrease your self-esteem.

Speaking negatively about your appearance amounts to criticism, which is a communication style proven to erode relationships over time.

Relationships need to be based on more than attraction

I have concerns for your relationship long-term as a result of your partner’s lack of attraction. Your body (and his!) will continue to change throughout your life. Whether it’s weight gain, saggy bits, wrinkles or thinning hair, you’re not going to be a “skinny model” forever. No one is.

I hope that as you both age and change, he will be able to adjust his view of what attractive is. Whoever you end up with should always make you feel loved and like the most beautiful woman in the room.

You deserve to feel secure and loved

I’m aware that your partner might not be about to cheat because of how you look. But the fact this is on your mind indicates that there’s a lack of stability and security in your relationship.

I suspect the way he communicates with you is contributing to this. Overall views about relationships that you both have might also be contributing here.

I would love to see you feel confident about yourself and the strength of the relationship you’re in regardless of how you look. It may help you to speak to a therapist who can support you with your confidence and help you create a healthier relationship with your partner.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: Awful reason woman’s partner doesn’t find her attractive