Relationship Rehab: Expert reveals how to revive your sex life

A man’s “non-existent” sex life with his wife of many years is “killing” the relationship, and he wants to bring back the spark.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader whose sex life inside a committed relationship is struggling.

QUESTION: I’ve been married to my wife for many years and when we first got together the sex was OK but not amazing. Now it’s non-existent and it’s killing me. We can’t talk about it because she changes the subject or it ends up turning into an argument. She’s going through menopause so her hormones are out of control and she’s also stressed with work. What can I do to revive our sex life?

It's time to broaden your view. Picture: iStock

ANSWER: I hear how frustrating and upsetting this is for you. Wanting to have an enjoyable sex life with your wife is a reasonable desire.

It sounds like your wife has a lot going on right now. While the factors you’ve mentioned do have an impact on desire, my guess is that there’s a lot more going on than this.

Mismatched libidos and less than exciting sex lives are some of the most common issues that I support couples with in therapy. I’ve supported couples in their 20s through to couples in the 60s with this. It will take some effort from both of you, but it’s possible to reignite your intimacy and have the best sex of your lives — regardless of your age.

The fact that you’re struggling to talk about sex right now without it turning into an argument tells me that there are other issues, aside from sex that we need to look at.

Experience tells me that your overall emotional connection may need to be strengthened and that you struggle with communication on difficult topics.

How to revive your sex life

To revive your sex life, you’ll need to broaden your view of what’s going on. Your sex life doesn’t happen in isolation from the rest of you relationship.

There are some key areas that I guide couples through to support them to make change and create a relationship that they both feel good about.

Connection is the foundation of your relationship.

1. Build your connection

Connection is the foundation of your relationship. Research has shown that couples who have long term passionate relationships:

• Stay good friends

• Say ‘I love you’ every day

• Go on regular dates

• Cuddle every day

The quality of your connection directly impacts your ability to communicate with each other and the passion you experience in your relationship.

2. Improve your communication

Most couples that seek my support for lack of sexual desire or mismatched libidos struggle to talk about the issue together, so you’re not alone.

Couples are often stuck in a cycle of attack and withdraw, making effective communication impossible. They continue hurting each other through their communication attempts and grow apart, never feeling understood by each other.

Being able to talk about this issue and understanding how each other feels about it is vital to being able to move forward together. Learning to communicate harmoniously and effectively with each other takes time and practice.

3. Revive your sex life as a team

Building a strong foundation of connection and good communication allows you to address sexual intimacy issue as a team.

Address sexual intimacy issue as a team. Picture: iStock

Research has shown that couples who have long term passionate sex lives also:

• Cuddle every day

• Kiss passionately for no reason at all

• Make sex a priority

• Maintain sexual variety

But all of this is difficult to do (and ineffective) when you’re arguing with each other or feel disconnected, which is why we build a strong foundation first.

4. Remove ‘Sexual Brakes’ and increase ‘Accelerators’

A helpful way to think about sex drive is like a car. It has brakes and an accelerator. To get it moving, you can’t just put your foot on the accelerator, you also have to remove the brakes.

Everyone’s brakes and accelerators are a little different, which is why it’s important that you and your wife can talk about this harmoniously together. This will allow you to discover how to remove some of the brakes she might be experiencing and add in accelerators that work for her.

Addressing emotive topics like sex can be difficult to do alone. If you’re able to, I recommend reaching out to a Couples Therapist and Sexologist who can offer tools and advice to support you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: Expert reveals how to revive your sex life