Marital rape: ‘From the outside, I was told these matters are difficult to prove‘

For decades, Sally was tortured and sexually assaulted by her husband but after she fled, her experience with the criminal justice system was like that of many survivors — painful.

FOR 30 years, Sally’s husband tormented and sexually assaulted her but, despite her protests and lack of consent, the mother-of-three never considered what happened to her as rape.

“I didn’t looked it as rape because I was married to him for 20 years,” she said.

It wasn’t until Sally fled her violent husband and engaged the police, that she understood she had been the victim of sexual assault — regardless of her relationship status.

Sally, who agreed to speak to The Sunday Telegraph using a pseudonym, is one of many women who have experienced marital rape, which was only criminalised in NSW in 1981.

Sexual assault can be incredibly hard to prosecute, particularly when there is a history of consensual sex.

After she went to the police seeking an apprehended violence order, Sally’s husband was charged with several offences including aggravated sexual assault.

Sally (not her real name), a mother of three, was a victim of domestic violence for decades before escaping. Picture: Sue Graham

Sally’s experience through the criminal justice system was like that of many survivors — painful, unfamiliar and challenging.

It started with her battle to get an AVO when she turned up at a regional police station one afternoon. Her then-husband had sent Sally, who was living in an apartment, text messages saying: “You can’t run, you can’t hide, I’ll get you.”

“The police on the front desk didn’t take it seriously. They said he hasn’t hit you, so not much we can do about it,” she said.

Police provided the desk number for a domestic violence liaison officer at the station and told Sally to call them. She did, multiple times, but never received a call back.

As the abusive messages from her estranged husband continued, Sally ran into an old friend, a retired cop, who intervened.

He rang the local police and told the officers Sally, who later discovered her husband had placed a tracker on her car and hired a private investigator to follow her, needed help immediately.

During the interview process, she disclosed she had been sexually assaulted and in the previous 12 months, made notes in a diary. Entering the court system, Sally had little idea what to expect and reluctantly turned up because she thought that was her obligation.

Over the following 18 months, Sally said her husband hired an experienced barrister, as was his right, and alternated between toying with plea deals and then wanting to go to trial.

At one point, Sally wanted to pull out of the case altogether but the prosecutor told her it “was too late” and she would be treated as a hostile witness. In 2016, Sally agreed to withdraw the aggravated sexual assault and indecent assault charges against her husband and he pleaded guilty to common assault.

“As weird as it sounds I wanted him to be held accountable but I didn’t want him to go to jail,” she said. “I had trauma bonds with him. I felt guilty.”

Her husband was given an 18-month intensive corrections order.

Sally’s experience through the criminal justice system was like that of many survivors — painful, unfamiliar and challenging. Picture: Sue Graham

Sexual assault charges are withdrawn at a rate five times higher than any other crime.

The reasons behind those withdrawals are varied.

Sally, who is now in a happy and safe place in her life, wouldn’t recommend a survivor go through the court process unless the support and pathways were improved.

“The first thing you need is to be believed,” she said.

“Without the support and an easier way to come forward and be believed … if you can’t get that, no one is going to come forward.”

Another woman, who we will call Sarah, is living interstate after leaving her husband, who is under investigation for allegedly sexually assaulting her. It happened after years of alcohol-fuelled violence in the family home.

Her daughter also saw her father trying to rip his mother’s clothes off in the kitchen. “A week before that, I just wanted him to be quiet and just let him have sex with me, even though I said no,” she said. “From the outside I was told these matters are difficult to prove,” she said.

Like Sally, Sarah also thought about withdrawing her complaint with police.

“But I wanted accountability,” she said.

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