‘Why I’d take a Melbourne bloke over a Sydney dud’

As one of Australia’s most in-demand escorts, I spend a lot of time travelling the country, writes Samantha X. And the differences between men from state to state are incredible.

As an escort, I spend a lot of time on planes.

I love reading Alan Joyce’s letter in the Qantas mag, even though he’s just downgraded me from a Platinum member to Gold (I blame my pitiful three months in a relationship this year which saw me grounded).

Canberra, Perth, Melbourne — you name it, the demand is there for old ducks like me. I’ve eaten at the finest restaurants, stayed in the best hotels and sampled gentlemen of every city Australia has to offer.

Are Aussie men all the same? Absolutely not. From all walks of life and all professions in the state I have visited — here is my deduction. (And a disclaimer: This is my opinion only. Read with sense of humour.)

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SYDNEY: What a bunch of flakes. They promise the earth but only deliver on show-off snobbery. They wear designer clothes and you know this because it screams “GUCCI” on the front, back and sides. Winter time? Simply add a hoodie to your outfit. Sydney is like an adult playground full of Peter Pans, except I am pretty sure Peter Pan was more reliable. And no matter how sophisticated the man is, he will still carry an old backpack to work.

Samantha X has clients all over Australia, and says there is a big difference from state to state. Picture: supplied

Do: talk to them about the property market, their renovations, and the traffic.

Don’t: talk to them about how housing prices are dropping in their area or where they parked their car (unless you want to them run out of the door when they remember the meter’s almost run out). They all pretend to have a lot of money, until their credit cards are declined.

CANBERRA: Despite its reputation as hardly the most exciting city (town, village?) in the world, the men have a kinky side (and I’m not just talking about the politicians here). They also have a lot of money and big homes around the lake, although unlike Sydneysiders, they don’t boast about it. They drive nice clean cars (very slowly) and they are always quick to tell you how up and coming Canberra is. Canberra men are a fan of the polo shirt tucked into slacks and Adidas runners.

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PERTH: Now Perth men are a bit of a pleasant surprise. Anyone who follows me on Instagram knows Perth men wear nice shoes. In fact, they’re a pretty well dressed bunch with clean hair, clean teeth and clean tidy sex. One client turned up on his day off wearing a fancy suit to ‘make a good impression’ on me. Even my FIFO client turned up looking like an Armani model. Perth gents always turn up with gifts, and I’ve lost count the number of times a client has offered to show me the sights of their beautiful city (Kings Park is definitely worth a visit).

The men of Perth are a pleasant surprise, says Samanatha X. Picture: supplied

BRISBANE: Quick glance on the streets of Queen Street and you will notice a sea of freckly men in short sleeved work shirts and cheap sunnies. I never make money in Brisbane, I am either too old or too expensive. Drive to the Gold Coast and the men have a lot of money (you know this because they tell you).

MELBOURNE: I believe men from Melbourne (including country Victoria) are the best in the world. Sophisticated, snappy dressers, kind, friendly, and they are great in bed. They actually enjoy the company of women as opposed to thinking we are a necessary evil like their Sydneysiders.

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From crims to the suits, the tradies to the cops, Melbourne men had me at ‘shall I bring us coffee?’ I silently gasp at my clients’ taste in shirts, and how well their hair is cut. They understand respect, and walking the streets of the CBD is like sitting front row of a fashion show with colourful ties, Italian suits and, of course, good shoes. Melbourne is more London than London. I’ve not met one Melburnian who doesn’t love their city.

I always fall in love in Melbourne, and if I ever marry, it will be with a man from Victoria, I can assure you.

Samantha X is a columnist for RendezView. Her book, Back on Top, is available now.