Men pay me $1200 an hour. And I have cellulite

YOU know who worries about cellulite? Not men. They just don’t care. I am living proof that the only people wasting brain space about it is women, writes Samantha X.

Too much brain space is wasted on worrying about cellulite.

HI. My name is Samantha X, men pay me $1200 an hour and I have cellulite.

Now that’s got your attention, here’s why I’m angry.

Model Robyn Lawley has called for a boycott of US lingerie giant Victoria’s Secret for only casting stick thin models in its annual parade.

“I want actual cellulite on a catwalk,” she said. “ I want girls to be relatable... Women are beautiful at different sizes... We’re the ones buying the products.”

If no cellulite is ever allowed in a lingerie parade, what kind of message is that sending to the female population? Most probably hang their heads and wobbly bums in shame. Ah well, thank God for big pants eh?

How foolish of us to think we could dance around in pretty lacy G bangers if we don’t have perfect thighs! Of COURSE women with cellulite can’t be sexy! Women with wobbles don’t ever get naked with the lights on, and we certainly don’t have sex — so what’s the point in wearing nice undies, right?

What a load of codswallop. You want us to buy your lingerie but we aren’t allowed to have wobbles? Only women with bums like teenage boys are allowed to shop? They just lost me as a customer, and let me tell you, I buy so much lingerie, I can claim it back on tax.

Samantha X hits the beach. Picture: Diimex

For all the women out there, I don’t need to explain to you all that no matter how beautiful or skinny you are, we still ALL have cellulite. When I put a post up of my wobbles on my Instagram account last week, all I got was a chorus of support from women (and men). One mum even said she reckons her baby daughter was BORN with cellulite.

Show me a woman that doesn’t have cellulite, and I will show you a man that doesn’t lie. Cue: “I don’t lie!’ says a man (he’s lying).

But what I can tell our beautiful Australian ladies is that men don’t care about those pockets of fat on your thighs as much as we do.

When sneaky paps got me at the beach in my bikini, and I had the pleasure of looking at my bikini body in sparkling high-res the next day online, I cringed as the only thing I focused on was my cellulite. ON MY KNEES for crying out loud.

But guess what. Men from all walks of life, from teachers to tradies, models to bank managers, whoever whatever, still pay me over a THOUSAND DOLLARS for an hour of my time. The older I get, the more I charge. And I’m busy.

Men save, steal and splurge that kind of cash to be in my presence for a measly hour, and of course hoping at some point, I may take off my big pants.

Model Miranda Kerr in the 2006 Victoria’s Secret parade. I can claim lingerie on tax, but I won’t be buying from Victoria’s Secret while it sends the message that only stick thin girls can wear it. Picture: Mark Mainz/Getty Images

And: I HAVE CELLULITE. No matter how hard I train, or how many agonising squats I do, or whether I ban my morning latte, my evening wine or whatever, it’s still there. In fact, it’s probably been my most long lasting relationship. It certainly sticks around.

My backside is the thing I am probably the most self-conscious about, yet it’s the part of my body men seem to love the most. It took me ages to believe them, but I do. And I want YOU to. If there is one golden nugget I’ve learnt from men, that is that they do not care about our wobbles as much as we do. In fact, the only time I’ve had complaints is when I’ve lost too much weight.

Not one single man has pointed my wobbles out to me — instead, like all women, I point out my flaws to THEM. Actually tell a lie, there was the surgeon in Melbourne who told me earnestly it was ‘wonderful to see’ I had cellulite and how I wasn’t as ‘perfect as he thought.’ (I think there was a compliment in there somewhere, but he became my regular for years..)

I also own my own escort agency and the two most common requests from men are ‘mature and curvy please.’ In fact, a very famous Hollywood star booked one of my ladies not so long ago five nights in a row. His request? She had to be big, with curves in the right places.

So please ladies. Enough of our body hating, enough of fashion houses and outdated fashion magazines body shaming us, and enough of our obsession in attaining the perfect body. It doesn’t exist, it never will (unless you are a robot) and men don’t want that anyway.

Now back to the ice cream.

Samantha X is an escort, author, madam and columnist.