To all the men I’ve met who are not rapists
IN my wilder years I came across men who acted as protectors when I was vulnerable. In the sea of awful sexual assault stories, we should remember this is what’s normal, writes Dannielle Miller.
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A RECENT post from US writer Jen Simon on social media went viral, after she published an account of some of the times she was drunk, and yet not assaulted by men.
She concluded: “I was drunk. I was in a dangerous situation. But I wasn’t raped that night because that guy wasn’t a rapist.
“ … Dangerous situations don’t cause rape. Skimpy clothes don’t cause rape. Alcohol doesn’t cause rape. Drugs don’t cause rape. The only thing that causes rape is a rapist.”
I immediately reflected on my own often wild years as a careless, risk-taking teen, and on all the men I have also met who are not rapists.
Like the car full of young men who pulled over to pick me up when I was hitchhiking late one night in my pyjamas (there’d been a huge row at my home and I had been kicked out of the house). These guys gave me a heartfelt talk about the importance of staying safe (they were not rapists, but they know others are), bought me some food from McDonalds, drove me to my friend’s house, then walked me to the front door to check everything was OK.
Or the time I was passed out drunk at a party and woke up to find a guy I didn’t know passing me water and guarding the room to make sure no one else came in to bother me. He wasn’t a rapist either — but he knew there are men that might choose to take advantage of a woman in that state.
Journalist Sascha Segan commented on Simon’s post: “I have a distinct memory of a party I went to in my early 20s where I ran into a friend who I really had the hots for. She was sloppy, messed-up, falling-down drunk. We were alone in a bedroom, and she slurred something flirty at me and began groping me. Guess what I did? I gently took her hand away, helped her sit down, and tucked her in with her head to the side when I realised she wasn’t walking anywhere.
“I do not deserve a cookie for this. Do not congratulate. This is normal, reasonable behaviour … I’m just saying this here because men need to be standing up and say what it is to be a man, too.”
We must listen to the voices of survivors of sexual assault.
But we should also focus on positive stories that help normalise ethical behaviour.
Because when we are bombarded with reports of men who brutalise women, and give a platform to those who mock or ignore the plight of sexual assault victims, this ends up creating a mistaken perception that this is the dominant social attitude.
The reality is the exact opposite. Most people are appalled by sexual assault, and repulsed by those who ridicule victims.
Reaffirming that the dominant view is to respect women and offer support for victims discredits those who feel otherwise.
It also speaks to the multitudes of men who care; we see you too.
Dannielle Miller is a parenting author and teen educator.