The boys who slip under our radar

IT’S the noisy and angry boys who have our attention, but the quiet ones need our mentoring and our affection just as much, writes Dannielle Miller.

IT’S the boys who explode that so often get noticed.

These are the boys who abuse and intimidate. Who smash — both things and people.

Yet our lads silently implode too. They feel disengaged from education, report feeling pressure to look buff, believe they cannot express the full range of emotions, feel lonely in their schools and own homes.

While it might be tempting to want to counter the angry young men with a white-hot fury of our own, and to inadvertently let the worried and anxious slip under the radar, we do so at our own peril. Both groups can do enormous damage to others, and to themselves.

In her new book, Mothering Our Boys, boy champion Maggie Dent acknowledges the vital role strong, positive male role models have in changing things for our lads. But in this guide she chooses to speak to the women who parent, teach, coach and work with young men. Why? Because so many of the 1600 men Dent surveyed for her book mentioned the power a caring, consistent woman had in helping them find a better way of being in the world.

“My mum inspired me to champion justice and equality” said one, “She is a true safe harbour that never shifts” said another.

THE RIGHT WAY TO PARENT TEEN GIRLS

Just because a boy is quiet, or doesn’t seem stressed, doesn’t mean he’s not suffering.

Dent calls for urgent changes in the way parents and teachers discipline.

“The primary goal… is to teach and guide our sons to make better choices.”

But in doing so, she warns, we mustn’t be tempted to withhold our affection. Dent believes that the way forward lies not in hitting, hurting or shaming, but in helping our lads form deeper, more meaningful connections. In pulling them in, rather than pushing them away.

Anyone who has had a son or worked closely with young men (I taught teen boys at a particularly challenging Western Sydney high school for many years, more recently founded an education company that helps adolescent males bust myths around manhood, and have a 16 year old son) will find her earthy, and unapologetically affectionate tone both refreshing and validating.

And in an age where we seem to be bombarded with reports of blokes behaving badly, it’s also a timely read.

Reporting on, and questioning, the more toxic elements of masculinity is vital work for it only through the questioning of rigid stereotypes that we can bring about much-needed generational change. Our boys and men must also be held accountable for their actions. But Dent’s work is a reminder too that our little lads are also so often hilarious, kind and open-hearted. We shouldn’t lose sight of their lovableness, and should work to preserve their innate goodness.

Back when my own son was in primary school, he went through a vulnerable stage where he suddenly wanted to come into my room late at night and sleep with me.

Maggie Dent’s new book looks at how women can support boys to become good men.

One morning, I jokingly said to him that when he was an adult, he’d no longer be able to do this as he’d have his own home, and his own bed there, so he needed to learn self-soothing techniques now.

“But mum”, he explained, “When I run into your room at night I look out the hallway window on the way. And I see the lights of hundreds of cars. In these cars are men in their pyjamas who all feel a bit sad and bit scared too — and they are driving to their Mum’s house to hop into her bed for a hug.”

I squeezed him a little closer, reminded that there would come a day when our cuddles might no longer be enough to help him feel all is right with the world, and I’d miss these stolen midnight moments (and how I do).

I thought too that the world might be a far different place for us all if more blokes knew that a hug and some understanding were only ever a short drive away.

Thankfully, Dent provides a guide that will help build the bridges we need to forge a new way forward; for boys, for men — and for the women who love them.

Dannielle Miller is a parenting author and CEO of teen education company Goodfellas. Maggie Dent’s new title is “Mothering our Boys — A guide for mums of sons”, Pennington Publications.