The five secrets your husband tells an escort

As someone who men pay more than a thousand dollars an hour to spend time with, I am privy to their secrets, writes Samantha X. And so often this is what they tell me about their wives.

Ahhh men. I do love them.

I also love dogs and I have three: a goofy Irish wolfhound and two little terriers.

And the most startling thing is, men are a bit like my dogs. Eager to please, respond well to training, they try to hump most things, if you chase them, they run away, if you turn your back, they follow you.

And as someone who men pay more than a thousand dollars an hour to spend time with (don’t worry, I can’t believe it either), I am privy to their secrets.

And of course, apart from putting it all in my books, or writing it in a national newspaper column, I am a vault.

Is there ever a good excuse for a married man to pay an escort? Not sure, but they have them. Picture: iStock

Around 60 per cent of my clients are married — not to you of course, your husband wouldn’t do that — and these five things I repeatedly hear:

**DISCLAIMER** DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER

1. I’d rather be with my wife

Yep, not all men want to fork out hundreds of dollars on an escort, but they also don’t want to have an affair and potentially wreck their marriage.

But men have needs and those needs, for whatever reason, aren’t being met. They love their wives — boy do I hear about how much they love them.

Poor blokes. If only their wives would let the kids and pets take care of themselves so they can stoke their egos.

But as one client told me over dinner once: “I got sick of tables for one. My wife never wants to travel with me and I get lonely.”

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I’ve told you before this job isn’t purely about sex and I mean it: a lot of men would rather pay for company if their loved ones aren’t available. It’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because they can’t be alone.

2. The dogs-kids get more attention

Come on, of course the kids and dog gets more attention. Kids are bloody demanding and dogs are bloody cute.

Who’s a good boy? Fido is, that’s who.

Your husband probably irritates you the minute he comes through the door. A girlfriend of mine shakes her head in disbelief when her husband comes in from work and puts on a movie at 6pm when she has two kids to feed, bath and put to bed, and he wonders why she doesn’t want to rip his clothes off.

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Men pay escorts a lot of money to listen to them. The sex is always over in minutes, yet they book for hours. That tells me they don’t feel heard. If you say “Down boy” or “Get off the couch!” more to your husband than the dog, chances are he is one of my clients.

3. I feel like a walking credit card

Sometimes I wish I had a partner who would sweep me off my feet and say: “You don’t need to worry about money any more! I’ll look after you!”

Include your husband in the day-to-day family grind. Make him feel needed. Picture: iStock

That typically is called marriage and I’ve never been silly enough/smart enough to say “I do”.

Do I envy the woman spending big on her husband’s credit card? Not really. Because I hear it from her husband’s point of view.

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Not many men love their wives spending thousands on must-have EMU chair cushions from Milan, especially when they are getting nothing in return.

Marriage is like a business deal: you take, so you have to give. You can’t keep spending if you aren’t investing. If you go nuts in David Jones, then at least have sex with him once in a while. He’s not an ATM.

4. She told me she doesn’t want sex anymore

This one has me stumped. What happens to women after they’ve been married for 20 years? Is it that they can’t stand their husbands any more, or that they genuinely have shut up shop for good? Is it the menopause, or is it because they’re sick to death of each other?

Look, sometimes he just gets tired of spaghetti every night. Maybe try a new sauce? Picture: Getty

My advice ranges from be nicer to your wife, to maybe take her to the doctor, to buy her sexy lingerie, but nothing seems to work.

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Unless it’s a handy excuse these men have to justify their actions, which is just as likely.

5. I’m selfish

Well, at least they got something right. Men admit they have perfect marriages yet they just like variety and are incredibly selfish.

I always ask how they would feel if she was sleeping with another man, and the look of fear and indignation on their faces is quite amusing.

“She wouldn’t do that... she just wouldn’t… and besides, it’s not the same is it... I mean this isn’t cheating.” (Um, yes it is.)

I adore the loveable rogues but yes, they are selfish. They want the dutiful wife at home, and yet they desire the vixen in bed.

Rarely do they want their wives to be vixens, nor do they want their vixens to start baking them scones. Which is a good job as I am hopeless in the kitchen.

Samantha X is an author, journalist and high class escort.

@SamanthaX_real