Married At First Sight: The five most infuriating things from episode 8

OH NO HE DI’ANT! Did that boy just tell a woman to calm down? Sally Coates highlights the five most infuriating moments from Married At First Sight’s Wednesday night episode.

Married At First Sight is well into its sixth season and already we’ve seen a groom’s speech about Viagra, listened as a 29-year-old lost his virginity, we gave airtime to a woman abuser, watched a grown woman screech at her husband to “shut the f*ck up”, winced as a protective brother grilled a groom for having cancer and oh so much more.

Everything about this show is just so frustratingly addictive I spend an hour and a half every Sunday to Wednesday screaming at my TV and my landlord said if I get one more complaint they’ll walk me through the complex while my neighbours throw poop at me like Cersei in Game of Thrones.

Oh no, no no. That will not work.

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To avoid that situation, mainly because I do not have the head shape for a jagged pixie cut, I’m channelling my frustration into words.

The internet is a ranty place, so join me as I rant my way through each episode, starting from mild annoyance to “KFC forgot my spoon while I’m trying to sneakily eat potato and gravy in the carpark”.

Just to preface, since I’ve spent most of my intro talking about myself, 10 couples have been married at first sight and had their honeymoon — well except Elizabeth.

Her husband Sam bailed after one night “because his ex’s mum died and he had to fly to New Zealand for the funeral” (I don’t buy it, prove me wrong).

Tonight is the dinner party where everyone meets each other for the first time/gets sloshed and start fights (hopefully).

Level one: Mild annoyance

So all the couples enter two-by-two and, as is to be expected, the guys check out the girls and the girls check out the guys.

“Hot damn I wish you were Jessika.”

It’s like when you’re at a group dinner and you scope out what everyone else got and either think “Damn I wish I got that”, or “That looks disgusting, I’m happy with my dish”. Everyone is pretty respectable except 44-year old Gold Coast lad Mike.

“I like Jessika, she’s not a bad looking bird,” he says in a predatory manner. “Not a fan of the Botox though.” Nobody asked you Mike!

Level two: A sharp eyebrow raise

In the first episode Nic grilled Matthew about whether or not he’d had sex before, which, granted Matthew hadn’t. His 29-year old virgin status has been a prominent storyline and I’m genuinely surprised the experts didn’t make him wear a T-shirt with “29-year-old virgin” bedazzled on.

See? Doesn’t he look just so much more relaxed?

Nic’s grilling was extremely uncomfortable. You know what was even more uncomfortable? Hearing the 29-year old virgin become a 29-year old EX-virgin in last night’s episode.

“Oh that feels good,” we heard his wife Lauren lie about last night. So of course, the grilling picks right back up as Nic, again, probes (pun intended) Matthew about whether his P met a V. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like it.

Level three: Clenched fists

The experts. Everything about the experts just pisses me off. You can practically hear John Aiken smiling and getting a semi as he says “the dinner party will either strengthen our couple’s relationships, or it could dial up the problems”.

Us watching the experts pretending to be experts.

The three of them are watching the night unfold from a remote location. I think it’s around the time that Trisha looks at Matthew and Lauren and concludes “I think they’ve had sex” that we realise they have NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON IN THEIR OWN SHOW.

And not only that, they haven’t been flexing their degrees to help their contestants!

It’s hard to type with clenched fists. Throughout the night they make these atrocious observations but the piece de resistance is that they had no idea Sam bailed on Elizabeth after night one. Much shock! Many open mouths! But don’t worry, their expert analysis is here: “That’s a huge fracture to the relationship”. Oh do you think so? Genii.

Level four: Cartoon rage lines

Ines. Just everything Ines says. In the lead-up to the dinner party she describes the other woman as a bag of mixed lollies, and some of those lollies she’d put back in the party mix. This is just disgusting because you should NEVER put lollies back. Unless they are black jelly beans. Black jelly beans are gross and an embarrassment to confectionary. Ines is a black jelly bean.

The human version of a black jelly bean.

Then she says that she’s embarrassed to be Bronson’s wife — who has been a saint to put up with her nastiness — and that going with him feels like she’s taking her garbage bin to dinner. So. Mean. Luckily she doesn’t get much more airtime, despite her desperate attempts to be the centre of attention by suggesting an orgy. Honey you won’t even sleep in the same bed with Bronson, you ain’t no freak.

Level five: KFC forgot my spoon while I’m trying to sneakily eat potato and gravy in the carpark

Oh boy. While Elizabeth’s wig mullet was going to be in this spot (if it’s fake hair shouldn’t it be BETTER than real hair??), her runaway groom Sam has me shaking with rage.

It’s very bad.

So he bailed, didn’t contact Elizabeth for five days and didn’t return her voicemail. Dick moves. He arrives back at the dinner party, unbeknown to Elizabeth, with a cheesy, rehearsed “Honey I’m home”. GAG! But that’s nothing. He then tells Elizabeth she needs to calm down. CALM DOWN. “Relax! Breathe!” he says condescendingly. He laughs in her face while she’s fuming and if you’ve ever been laughed at when you’re angry it’s like a Matador waving a red flag in front of a bull’s face. Or a KFC spoon in front of mine.

For the first time Elizabeth’s response is not an over-reaction.

He continues to patronise and mock her, still not apologising. Mike says, “I forgive easily — is that a man thing?” to which Sam replies, “It probably is a man thing. Logic. Not emotions, it’s more logic.” And just like that a blood vessel bursts in my eye and I literally see red.

I hate this show (I love it).