Corrine Barraclough: ‘It’s almost five years since I wanted to end my life’

It’s almost five years since I wanted to end my life. I know that’s confronting to read but even with all the ­chatter about World Mental Health Day this week we’re still extraordinarily poor at facing up to the complex reality of suicide.

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“HE who has a why to live for can bear almost any how,” said Viktor Frankl. These wise words speak volumes about suffering, meaning and purpose.

It’s almost five years since I wanted to end my life. I know that’s confronting to read but even with all the ­chatter about World Mental Health Day this week we’re still extraordinarily poor at facing up to the complex reality of suicide.

Writer Corrine Barraclough says opting out of life can seem appealing with there is ‘no bounce, no hope and no why’. People in this place need the support of their families, friends or colleagues.

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After many years of fierce ­ambition which I tried to convince myself was my “why” I hit a wall. I crashed. This is the problem with putting Band-Aids over our “why” in life; superficial understudies fall short eventually.

Some of us live to tell the tale, many don’t. More than 3000 Australians died by suicide in 2017, according to Black Dog Institute.

Suicide is the leading cause of death in Australian men aged 15 to 44 and I can’t help wonder how many are driven by parental alienation, surely the ultimate loss of “why”?

Losing hope and feeling disposable are key drivers away from life.

There are slow progressive ­stages to managing to take a long inhale, patiently addressing long-term trauma, letting everything go and starting again. Repressing emotion is a survival strategy but shutting down your emotions ­affects your nervous system. Feeling safe to open that Pandora’s box is the ultimate terrifying challenge.

The winding path back to life is exhausting to walk; quite the oppo­site of a fluffy, easy “bounce-back”.

For a very long time there was no bounce, no spring, no hope, no why and that is precisely why opting out of life was so appealing.

The first thing I needed to address was alcohol, which had become my emotional crutch.

In the wonderful words of Florence Welch: “It just opened up doors for me that I don’t know how to shut.”

Apply Psychological First Aid before it’s too late: Listen, don’t try and fix the problem immediately, offer practical help, guide them to professional help.

Call it baggage, scars that hadn’t healed, it doesn’t really matter what label you chose to put on it as in practice it’s hours and hours of emotional investment. It’s time reflecting, seeking advice, pursuing the truth, reading, digesting, more reflecting, all supported by trauma therapy.

Generational dysfunction comes in many forms. The realisation that ultimately it’s up to you to change generational narratives is confronting.

People who are born into toxic families learn defensive strategies for survival that are much more tangled than simplistic gender ideology would have us believe.

And living with that makes each of us feel like even more of an outsider, lonelier and more confused about “why”. There is no human being on Earth lonelier than a person who is repeating learned patterns without understanding why.

The cycle of trauma is a silent ­killer. And, you see, I wouldn’t have learned any of this if I hadn’t hit rock bottom. Coming from working-class roots, resigning while I was at the pinnacle of my career certainly wasn’t a ­decision that made sense to me at the time. Hitting that wall made it clear, very suddenly, what wasn’t truly ­important.

When you see a shift in someone’s behaviour, energy level or mood that’s close to you it’s crucial to practise Psychological First Aid (PFA).

Do take the time to listen, don’t try to fix it all in that moment, do offer practical help and do guide them to local professional support.

Psychologists say a little help purposefully ­focused at a vitally important time can be much more effective than ­extensive help when someone’s less emotional accessible.

In other words, when someone is crashing and heading for rock bottom see it as an opportunity to guide them to support. Rock bottom is an invaluable chance to re-set before rebuilding. Everything else falls into place after core issues are tackled.

If more of us can practise PFA and prop people up in their most ­vulnerable moments there is a glorious whole new world on the other side to share.

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