Relationship Rehab: Woman’s toxic trait shocks new boyfriend

A woman adores her new partner but says she “snaps” at her other half easily is worried her “fiery” temper could ruin their relationship.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a person who fears their short temper could be ruining their relationship.

Question: I’m in a new relationship with someone whom I adore more than anything. I can be firey when an argument starts and I tend to have a short temper when pushed to talk about the fight and sort it out then and there. In order to avoid losing my temper, I usually want to table the conversation until I’m able to be calm and think about it with a clear head, whereas my partner hates to leave it even for a few hours.

He is a very calm person and more introverted than I am and knows how to handle his emotions well. I’ve never been able to deal with my emotions while in the moment very well, and tend to snap and can be quite rude. Often the argument then becomes about my attitude and not about what started it in the first place. How can we communicate things better when we are just totally opposite personalities in those moments?

Answer: Many couples have different ways they prefer to deal with conflict, which can in turn, produce more conflict. You’ll both need to learn to understand each other’s conflict style and better deal with your emotions to find a harmonious way forward.

Different families have different conflict styles

Our conflicts style is influenced by our family or origin and what we witnessed in regard to conflict growing up. In some families it’s normal to share your emotions and complaints passionately. However, in conflict avoidant families, there are implicit messages that you shouldn’t say anything that will upset someone else.

While there are different conflict styles than can work in a relationship, there are also communication styles and patterns that are known to damage a relationship.

The need to solve an argument immediately signals underlying anxiety

I’m not convinced that your partner is as calm as he’s making out to be or ‘knows how to handle his emotions well’. If he did, he would be able to tolerate giving you the space you need to calm down.

After more than 10 years working with couples helping them get in touch with and manage their emotions, I can tell you that while he might appear calm, it’s probably emotional suppression.

You’re in a pursuer-distancer cycle

You and your partner are both doing your best to resolve the issue and strengthen your relationship. You just have different approaches to making it happen. He believes that talking about it right away will help resolve it. While you believe that taking a break will help resolve it.

In a sense, you’re both right. You’re both dealing with the situation in the best way that you can – and probably the way you learned to from your family growing up.

You make conflict worse between you, by each expecting the other to ‘do conflict’ your way. The more you pull away and take time to calm down, the more anxious and agitated he’s likely to feel. But the more he pressures you to resolve things in the moment (and criticises you when you can’t) the more frustrated you’re likely to become.

It’s this pattern between you, rather than your individual ways of dealing with things, that will damage your relationship unless you learn to understand each other.

Taking the time to calm down during a disagreement can be ultimately helpful. Picture: iStock.

Taking time out in an argument can be helpful

You’re wise to know that you can’t sort something out when you’re overwhelmed with emotion.

When we become overwhelmed in an argument, we can go into a state of ‘flooding’. This is essentially a fight or flight state where we can’t think clearly. It’s impossible to really listen to someone else’s point of view in this state and we often say things that we later regret.

If you notice this happening for you, it’s wise to take a break in order to calm down. The time period of this break can be 20 minutes to 24 hours, but you need to agree to come back and talk about it.

Your partner will need to learn to tolerate your need for space when you’re upset – and manage his own emotions in the meantime.

He may need reassurance

Talk to your partner to understand if there’s anything you can say to him at this point that will help him feel better about leaving the discussion for a short period of time. He may need reassurance that you’re not leaving him and will actually come back to discuss it.

Over time, if he can be supportive and non-critical, you’re more likely to develop the ability to talk to him in the moment.

Learn more tools for communication and managing your emotions

It’s hard to make these changes on your own. couples therapy involves helping couples to see each other’s point of view, managing your emotions better and learn new scripts for expressing how you feel without hurting each other further. If you’re continuing to struggle with this, consider reaching out for support.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: Woman’s toxic trait shocks new boyfriend