Relationship Rehab: X-rated reason married man wants to cheat

He’s been happily married for more than four decades, but there’s growing reason why this man is considering being unfaithful for the first time.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a man who wants to explore a sexual kink — but his wife can no longer have sex.

Question: I’m 61 years old and all my life I have found that sex has dominated my mind all the time. I have been married for 43 years but I feel now more than ever that I’m inclined to cheat (something I have never done). My wife has got medical issues and cannot have sex at all, whereas I’ve always been an exhibitionist! One thing I love to do is be naked and pretend people can’t see me. Is this preoccupation normal? Have you got any ideas on how I can manage this while still staying faithful?

Answer: There are two issues going on here. One is the lack of sexual intimacy you have with your wife. The other is how you can safely explore your exhibitionism.

Let’s first address your wife’s inability to have sex.

Ideally, I’d like to hear the specific details of her condition and what you’ve already tried to manage this. Having worked with many couples who are unable to have sex due to a medical condition, I’ll share what I know from working with them.

Good communication is essential

I suspect there’s a lack of communication that’s exacerbating this situation between you.

Right now, your wife probably feels guilty and like she’s letting you down because she can’t have sex.

While you’re frustrated, and it’s likely that you don’t want to make your wife feel worse than she already does. You might both also feel that it’s hopeless to talk about, because there seems to be no practical way forward. As a result, it’s likely you both avoid talking about it.

Sharing your feelings with each other and understanding each other helps create intimacy and connection in your relationship.

Sharing emotions and connecting in other ways can buffer your relationship from the impacts of lack of sex – and stop you looking elsewhere.

Discuss what physical intimacy you are able to have

You may also be able to find other ways of being intimate that can work with both of you. Have you and your wife discussed how you can be intimate in other ways? Are there ways that you and she can be intimate that isn’t necessarily penetration intercourse?

There are usually at least some options that you can explore here. But (and I cannot stress this enough), it needs to occur on a foundation of good connection and communication.

Good communication is essential when it comes to exploring sexual desire in relationships. Picture: iStock.

Exhibitionism is relatively common

Exhibitionism, receiving sexual gratification or excitement through being seen naked or in sexual activity, is not unusual.

As long as this is done with full consent, there’s nothing wrong with deriving pleasure this way. (However, I don’t need to tell you that to be naked or engaging in sexual activity in front of people without their consent is a violation.)

As with any sexual kink or fetish if you want to explore it with your partner, you’ll need to talk about it with them.

I know this can feel uncomfortable, especially if you have an idea that your partner won’t be into it.

Raise the idea gently first

Consider raising it as a kind of joke first, telling your partner you read about it online and were curious about it or that you had a dream about it and gauge her reaction. If it seems that there’s some interest in exploring this further, then have a more detailed discussion about it.

Consider different ways to explore your kink.

There are many ways you could explore your exhibitionism. There are places that you can explore this with consent, such as clubs or in consensual forums online.

If your partner is open to exploring this with you, it can open new avenues of excitement and intimacy between you. If your partner isn’t willing to be involved in your fetish, you may want to discuss other ways of you exploring this.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: X-rated reason married man wants to cheat