Off the Record: How to start dating again after divorce
A woman who has been single for eight years wants to know how to get back into the dating game but it not keen to try online dating. Sexologist and author Jacqueline Hellyer helps the divorcee get back her confidence and put herself out there again.
Relationships
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Question: I’m 45 and have been single for eight years since my marriage ended. I’ve been so busy raising my two kids and working, it hasn’t been an issue before, but now I want back in the dating game. I hate the fact that if I died tomorrow my ex-husband would be my last sexual partner. The question is: how do I do it? Dating sites just don’t do it for me and seem too risky. I’m also aware my body isn’t what it used to be. So how do I get my confidence back? I’m not necessarily looking for a relationship — just some action!
Answer: I had a client once who said she felt “like a very experienced virgin”. While she’d had a lot of sex in her life, it had been so long ago that facing the prospect of becoming sexually active felt like being a virgin all over again.
With more people having serial relationships these days, the challenge of finding new partners is common. And, as you point out, the two key issues are: how to feel confident and how to actually meet someone.
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Let’s address the confidence issue first. That’s a big one for women in our society who are constantly bombarded with unreal expectations of beauty. There’s an impossible quest for perfection and for an eternally taut, youthful body.
Yet, what men find the most attractive in a woman has less to do with the ‘perfection’ of her body and more about how she feels about it. I run women’s workshops where the panel is made up of men.
Inevitably, someone always asks: “What do you find the most desirable in a woman?”.
The answer from all the men is always ‘confidence’.
Keep in mind, too, that the men you’ll be seeing are also ageing, losing their hair, getting paunchier and getting more wrinkles — it’s not just you. Your body has also lived, birthed children, had adventures, carried you through life this far and will continue to do so.
That’s a pretty miraculous thing and something to be grateful for. Tapping into that appreciation of your body is what brings confidence. You can always decorate the outside with clothes, make-up and hairstyles, but it’s on the inside where your confidence lies.
Now, with your confidence (reasonably) intact, what about the vexing question of where to find a man? Well, you could walk into any pub in the land and call out “I want sex, who’s willing?” and no doubt you’d get laid pretty quickly. But I’m assuming you’re more discerning than that and want to meet men you’ll actually like.
These days, online dating is a good way to meet people, but if risk is a concern, make sure you get to know him a little through phone and text conversations before you agree to meet him in person.
If you get a good vibe from him, then you can arrange to meet — even then, it should be less a ‘date’ and more a low-key catch-up to see if you click in real life. Meet for a coffee or a walk — whatever you find appealing and not too intense.
If you’d prefer to meet someone IRL (dating lingo for ‘in real life’), then you need to get out there and meet new people. The best way to do that is by doing things you enjoy, where you have a good chance of meeting someone who enjoys the same things — and that’s a good basis for a relationship. At the very least, you’ll make new friends and may meet someone through those new friendships.
Before all that, though, here’s a good exercise: draw up two columns — one for ‘him’ and one for ‘me’. In the ‘him’ column, write down all the things you’d like in a man. This is not a checklist, it’s so you can get a sense of the kind of man you want to be with.
This way, you’ll be much more likely to recognise him when you meet him. And the ‘me’ column is for working out what it is about you that’s going to make you a good match for him. Then, the attraction can begin!
* Jacqueline Hellyer is a sexologist and author