My once normal husband has turned ‘quite crazy’

A concerned wife asks for help after three years of watching her husband disappear into the world of online conspiracy theories.

My once normal husband has turned ‘quite crazy’. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman whose husband has been disconnected since Covid lockdown.

QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and it has been largely a happy relationship until around three years ago. During the pandemic, he became quite isolated and began watching a lot of videos online.

It started off as self-improvement stuff about being more confident and making more money, which was fine. But then he began being fed content of conspiracy theories about 15-minute cities coming to control our lives, pedophile rings in the elite classes and 5G masts.

It’s all he talks about and as well as sounding quite crazy, he’s also very boring. If I disagree with him he calls me “sheeple” and won’t hear my point of view. All he does is sit and watch videos online and doesn’t help with chores or the kids. What can I do to pull him out of this hole?

ANSWER: It sounds like your husband is in deep distress. While it’s common for couples to have different views on the world, it’s painful to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to hear your point of view and is increasingly disconnected from you.

Build understanding and empathy before taking action

A key component of healthy conflict management in intimate partnerships is having understanding and empathy for each other.

So let’s start with trying to find understanding and empathy for your husband.

It sounds like your husband is in deep distress. Picture: iStock

When I see people with strong views like this in therapy there is a common pattern. People who lean towards conspiracy theories are searching for answers and certainty as a way to cope with uncertainty and fear. Holding on to strong beliefs likely helps your husband make sense of a world that can seem increasingly unsettled and scary.

My guess is that your husband probably always had strong views and a tendency to withdraw from others in times of distress. His fear due to global events has heightened this.

An ability to ‘accept influence’ is vital to a relationship

In his almost 50 years on research into happy and unhappy relationships, Dr John Gottman found that partners ‘accepting influence’ from each other is vital to a successful relationship.

Accepting influence refers to the willingness of partners to allow each other’s input to shape their perspectives and decisions. Accepting influence from a partner demonstrates mutual respect and co-operation, which strengthens a relationship.

Women tend to do this to quite a high degree already. Men tend to struggle with this more than women. When a man is unable to accept influence, his relationship has an 81 per cent chance of failing.

Your husband isn’t accepting influence from you right now. Instead of listening to you, he’s resorting to name calling, which is additionally damaging to a relationship.

This isn’t just about your partner having different views from you. This is about how he interacts with you.

Share how this is impacting you

I don’t know if you’ll be able to pull your husband out of the hole he’s in, but if you are going to manage it, it won’t be through arguing with him about his beliefs.

I imagine it will be hard for your husband, but he needs to hear how his actions are impacting his relationship right now.

This isn’t just about your partner having different views from you. This is about how he interacts with you and your family.

You’ll obviously need to be cautious in how you approach this. Focus on your emotions and the impact when you speak to him. Avoid criticism and blame, which are likely to dig him into his position further. Ask non-accusatory questions to understand his perspective also.

You’ll likely need to have more than one conversation about this.

You’ll obviously need to be cautious in how you approach this. Focus on your emotions and the impact rather than criticise and blame. Picture: iStock

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

‘I feel sad when I notice that you don’t spend as much time with us as a family as you used to. I’d like us to connect more and talk more – like we used to.’

‘It seems like you’ve been withdrawn lately and I worry about that. Can you help me understand what you’ve been going through?’

‘I feel sad and upset about the distance between us. I miss you and the connection we used to have. It’s okay for us to have different views, but I have a need for us to be able to talk about them respectfully with each other.’

‘We seem to be struggling to connect with each other like we used to. I’m afraid of what might happen to our relationship if we don’t work on this. Can we talk about what’s been going on?’

I hope these conversation starters help you move towards some kind of a shift within your relationship.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]

Originally published as My once normal husband has turned ‘quite crazy’