Dr Justin Coulson: How to deal with temperamental teenagers

If you are the parent of a 12 to 14-year-old, you won’t be surprised to learn that parenting young teens is the hardest parenting gig going. The early teenage years can be difficult work but not if parents prepare for the angst, Dr Justin Coulson writes.

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If you are the parent of a 12 to 14-year-old, you won’t be surprised to learn that parenting young teens is the hardest parenting gig going. (If you only have toddlers, sorry for giving you the bad news that the worst is still to come!)

Research says that when it comes to overall life satisfaction, mums with young teens have it the worst.

In a survey of more than 2000 mums, it was the mothers of 12 to 14-year-olds who felt distinctly less parenting satisfaction than parents of kids at other ages. And it wasn’t just worry.

These mums reported greater stress and more feelings of loneliness, emptiness and life dissatisfaction.

There are a lot of struggles when dealing with a teenager but there are ways to make it easier, Dr Justin says. Picture: iStock

Between the ages of 12 and 14 our kids are undergoing significant physical and hormonal changes. There are major brain changes, social changes, school changes, and more.

Our kids are feeling less comfortable within themselves, feeling a higher level of scrutiny and struggling in new environments and with increasing demands. This can lead to a period of frustration for them and power struggles with us.

MORE FROM DR JUSTIN COULSON:

‘MY TEEN GIRL’S FRIEND HAS A SECRET INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT’

HELP KIDS ADJUST FROM PRIMARY TO HIGH SCHOOL

At the same time that our kids are going through this rapid development, parents are going through their own parental development.

During the teen years, as our kids push for and gain independence, we can start to feel superfluous. And it can be hurtful when our kids snarl at us and smile at everyone else.

Add to that the financial and career strains that are often greatest at this point, combined with the stress of caring for older parents, and you have a recipe for reduced happiness levels.

It’s a well-established phenomenon known as the U-shaped Happiness Curve.

Dr Justin Coulson is Australia’s number on parenting writer. Picture: Mark Cranitch.

These challenges can lead parents to feel isolated from their teens (and their partner or parents too) as they struggle to find a way to connect.

But there are things we can do to make this time a little bit easier, and increase our own life satisfaction, even while parenting a young teen.

1. Set aside time: Research shows that spending time with their parents is important for our teens’ wellbeing. Regular catch-ups without an agenda can make all the difference. It might be an outing for a snack, a walk, or something else. Just be together, and enjoy each other.

2. Be available: Teens like to know we’re around even when they’re not in the mood for talking. But be ready. They like to talk in the car and late at night just before bed.

3. Recognise their independence: Let your teen exercise her own judgment in age-appropriate ways. You have been arming her with values from the time she was a toddler. Now is the time to trust her decision-making. And remember, our kids might
want independence, but they still need connection.

4. Love them like toddlers: In the same way we sought to connect with our kids when they were two, three and four, we should seek to connect with them when they are 12, 13 and 14. When our kids are at their most unlovable, is when they need the most love.

5. Don’t take it personally: This isn’t about you. This is about our teens learning and growing, struggling through hormonal surges and social pressures. Take a deep breath, and let it go.

While the young teen years can be a challenging time, it’s also an incredible time. Teenagers are really great!

They can think and engage in meaningful conversations, they challenge us, they are full of hope and optimism, they’re creative and funny, they take amazing risks, they’re passionate and they’re always willing to try new things.

Embrace these amazing teens. They will bring enthusiasm and zest to your home.