Teen girl with a secret Instagram account: Do I tell her parents?

A concerned parent recently discovered their daughter’s friend has a secret Instagram account where she shares sexual images and photos of herself with alcohol and cigarettes. But should they tell her parents? Dr Justin Coulson gives his advice.

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Q The daughter of our family friends recently told our daughter about her secret Instagram account where she shares sexual images and photos of herself with alcohol and cigarettes. Her parents would be mortified. Do I tell them?

It’s a tough one. Telling your friends their daughter is up to teenage tricks — and lying to them — is awkward. You possess information that will hurt them. And it will probably cause conflict in their home. What should you say? Or is it better to stay quiet and let them find out in their own time?

My primary advice is always share if there is any risk to the teen. If you have information that makes you worried for the teenager’s safety in any way, contact the parents immediately.

Things like suicide, self-injury, bullying or eating disorders are too serious to even debate the issue. Tell them. Now. Their daughter’s safety matters more than judgment, embarrassment, or reputations. In fact, it matters even more than your relationship with them.

Do you tell on your daughter’s friend if you find out they have a secret Instagram account?

If she is not at risk, here are a few factors to consider as you weigh up your choices: What was the teen doing? What do you know about the family and their values? Would you want to know if it was your child? Does it feel right to pass that information on? Will telling the parents help?

Sometimes telling people about this kind of thing can make it worse rather than better. And issues around sex are especially tricky. Things such as modesty (wearing little/no clothing), alcohol or tobacco use will be different for different families.

You may not think a teen should post a photo of herself drinking a beer but her parents might not think it’s a big deal. Use your best judgment in these situations.

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The reality is that a huge amount of teens have fake social media accounts. In my recent research with close to 400 Aussie teenagers, a significant percentage admitted they had extra accounts which they hid from their parents.

Unless you’ve got real concerns about unsafe, unhealthy choices that could harm the teen, speaking up will unlikely be helpful. Perhaps the real challenge is knowing whether something is unsafe or unhealthy.

Dr Justin Coulson gives parenting advice in his weekly column in BW Magazine. Picture: Mark Cranitch

Despite the dangers, alcohol is still the most widely consumed drug for Aussie teens. Does drinking put a 14 year-old at risk?

There are countless nude (or suggestive) images sent around the internet every hour. Does posting these kinds of images put a teen at risk? If you’re wondering about whether this is unsafe, unhealthy behaviour, the answer is yes.

Just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s safe, healthy, or positive. So tell the parents! If they don’t see it as a big deal, at least you’ve told them. It’s up to them to decide what to do next.

Telling the parents that their teen is being deceitful will be hard. To make it easier just spit it out. Put the bad news upfront so the parents don’t feel ambushed.

Keep it short, pass on the information and move on but if they want to talk, let them talk. Remember to be judgment free. No one wants to feel judged, especially about their children.

Don’t do it.

When it comes to our kids, it’s a good idea to err on the side of sharing any information that we come across.

We all want our kids safe and happy, and having information that can help us keep them that way is important.

Always think, would I want to know this about my child? If the answer is yes or if there are issues of safety or health, pass it on.