Kerry Parnell: Boring old farts have nothing to be ashamed of

Supermodel Heidi Klum said many models were “beautiful but boring”. But there’s nothing wrong with being a boring old fart, Kerry Parnell writes.

What’s wrong with being a boring fart, Heidi? I’m here for the dullards of the world.

This week, supermodel Heidi Klum announced many models were “boring farts”. Next, we reveal the sun is hot and you can only spend so long with your family at Christmas.

The supermodel, 48, said in a press conference for Germany’s Next Topmodel that many contestants “are beautiful but sometimes boring. Many rest on their laurels when they are born so ‘classically beautiful’. I often find other people more interesting”.

Poor model wannabes – imagine learning you have to be drop-dead gorgeous and interesting at the same time, Amal Clooney-like. You’d be exhausted.

Heidi Klum said models can be “boring”. Picture: Kevin Winter/Getty

Over the years, I’ve met a lot of models, actors and musicians as a journalist and yes, some are boring. It’s always interesting which ones turn out to be delightful and which dreary. Before I do an interview, I have a little game of A-list Bingo with myself, but I never guess their personality right. Like the major movie star who had such a funny, charming on-screen persona, I was looking forward to chatting to him, feeling sure he’d be Mr Suave, but in real life he turned out to be extremely serious with no discernible sense of humour.

As I left the room, I heard him start speaking to a waiting TV crew and click, he turned on his charming persona again like flicking a light switch. I can’t say I blame him, to be fair.

Then there was the British boy band who I interviewed many years ago at the height of their fame. I shouted questions to them while they wouldn’t get out of the swimming pool in a Sydney hotel and memorably had never heard of Uluru, saying, “Wassat then?” They’re all but forgotten now.

Or the popular soap star who had no personality at all and who was so monosyllabic I still wonder what made them go into the business.

I’ve met several supermodels who are indeed super and several as wooden as coathangers, and a member of Hollywood royalty so grand and unbelievably beautiful, I felt sure she would be a diva, but instead was completely genuine and open.

But that’s just life. Anyone can inhabit Boring Old Fart Town; I know, because I bought in a few years ago.

I’d spent so many years masquerading as a fun person, whooping it up at 2am when all I really wanted to do was stay home with a good book, that when I finally got too old and embarrassing to others to go to nightclubs, or indeed, out at all, it was a relief. I couldn’t be happier in my cardigans.

However, the Festive Fart Award has nothing to do with Klum, but goes to the British barrister who this week hit the headlines for suing his colleagues for harassment, after he was asked to stop breaking wind at work due to “the size of the office and the repetitive nature of his farting”, according to The UK’s Times.

He lost his flatulence claim, but won on other counts, making him, I suppose, a legitimate but not a model fart.

Follow Kerry Parnell on Twitter @KerryParnell

The good, bad and weird gifts for every TV fan

Stuck for a last-minute Christmas present idea? Look no further than your favourite TV show or movie for some, let’s say, unique gifts.

Everyone loves a bit of comedy merchandise under the Christmas tree, by which I mean, nobody does, but it’s always good to replenish your emergency mug stock for the time when someone, anyone, visits your home again.

Simpsons socks and Mickey Mouse sweatshirts are for amateurs. This year, why not really surprise your loved one with something truly unexpected?

First up, for the serious Game Of Thrones fan, how about an intricate bronze replica of the iron throne? It would make the ideal addition to any home and will give that little edge to Christmas Day as you realise your significant other spent $3700 on it, from noblecollection.co.uk.

Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister sits on the iron throne in a scene from Game of Thrones. Picture: HBO

Or you can get a-head with your Christmas shopping (see what I did there), with a replica of Michonne’s katana sword from The Walking Dead — a thoughtful and practical gift for your special lady, I think we can all agree. Except her, perhaps, when she unwraps it, expecting a bottle of perfume. Yours for around $150 from many online outlets, such as ffcollectibles.com.au.

Still on the lethal weapon theme, if Michonne’s sword proves a little cumbersome, then pop the Killing Eve Kitchen Knife Set on your list for next year.

In what must be the least tasteful TV tie-in ever, it was recently reported that the makers of the BBC thriller series have registered the brand for products ranging from jewellery, bags and toys (toys!), to utensils. Sadly, you can’t buy Villanelle carving knives quite yet, so you’ll have to make do with her pyjamas.

Harry Potter casserole dishes from Le Crueset.

None of these doing it for you? How about a gift for your hubby that is all heart – a Peloton bike, inspired by And Just Like That. What man wouldn’t be delighted to hear that seeing Mr Big use his exercise bike on the Sex And The City reboot you gave you the idea.

Meanwhile, he can gift you a pair of Carrie’s Manolo Blahnik blue Hangisi wedding shoes for $2125, or similar ones for 10 time less from Coast, which you can wear, while looming ominously in the doorway, every time he does a workout.

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

If the $2295 Peloton bike proves a little pricey, then for those of us who are less stealth wealth and more steep cheap, there’s a Waystar/Royco sweatshirt, $51 (sadly not cashmere) from Succession at shop.hbo.com, or a “You can’t make a Tomlette without breaking some Greggs” mug, $20, which is suddenly proving popular.

Finally, for the kids, how about a set of Le Creuset Harry Potter Spellcasting Spatulas, $110 and quidditch casserole dish, $500, with a golden snitch as a handle, from lecreuset.com.au?

A little ambitious for Santa to carry, admittedly, but if they promise to turn my kids into wizard cooks, I’m sneaking them onto their lists.

And while it might seem like a strange brand extension, perhaps it’s just JK Rowling stirring the pot again.

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