Waiting for closure after a breakup won't save you – here's what will

Closure is an inside job

The idea of closure is a trap. It keeps you stuck, waiting for permission to move on. But real closure? That’s something only you can give yourself.

After a breakup, it’s natural – tempting, hopeful, desperate – to think that answers will somehow save you from the sh*t show you’re experiencing. You’re scrambling for reasons: Why did it end? What went wrong? How didn’t I see this coming? 

But here’s the harsh reality: waiting for ‘closure’ from your ex won’t save you. It keeps you spinning in the same emotional loop, searching for something that can’t fix the problem.

Closure isn’t some magical conversation that wipes away your heartbreak. It’s not a one-liner that suddenly makes everything make sense. The real truth? Closure is an inside job. Here’s how you create it.

Closure isn’t the answer you’re looking for

We’ve all been there. If your ex would explain why they left, you could finally stop hurting and move on. It feels like there’s a missing piece, and you need them to hand it to you. But life doesn’t work that way.

Even if your ex handed you the most perfect, clear-cut explanation, it wouldn’t magically heal your pain. You’d still feel rejected. You’d still hurt. And even if they told you everything you thought you wanted to hear, that emptiness? It wouldn’t disappear. The pain doesn’t come from not knowing – it comes from the attachment you had. The explanation won’t change that.

Knowing why doesn’t erase the rejection, the anger, or the sadness. Sometimes, there isn’t even a clear why. Relationships are messy, and closure won’t magically clean that up.

Closure isn’t something your ex can give you. Image: Pexels

You can’t rely on someone else for closure

If you’re waiting for someone else to give you closure, you’re handing them control over your healing. You’re still emotionally tied to the relationship, hoping for one last conversation to set you free. But guess what? They don’t have that power anymore. Chasing that is just another way to stay stuck.

Closure isn’t something your ex can give you. It’s personal responsibility and self-awareness, and yeah, that sounds a little “self-help 101,” but it’s true. You have to own your healing. You have to own your healing.

 Stop waiting for your ex to free you from the past – they won’t. It’s time to stop giving control over your emotions to someone who’s no longer in your life.

If you’re waiting for someone else to give you closure, you’re handing them control over your healing. Image: Pexels

How to create your closure after a breakup

Letting go isn’t about excusing your ex’s actions or pretending you’re not hurt. It’s about freeing yourself from the emotional weight you’ve been carrying. You determine when and how to heal. Forgiveness is not about them; it is about you regaining control.

Here’s how you create your closure:

Step 1: Own your part 

Say sorry: for the tiniest pettiest things to the role you played in the dynamic. Rack your brain because this part is all about acknowledging your choices. Maybe you stayed despite gut feels things weren’t quite right, or you ignored or justified glaringly obvious red flags. Owning your part is key to taking back control.

Forgiving your ex doesn’t mean excusing their actions. Image: iStock

Step 2: Forgive them, and yourself

This part might sting, but forgiving your ex doesn’t mean excusing their actions. You’re forgiving them. Try to see them for who they were, probably just emotionally immature and doing the best they could with what they had (even if it wasn’t much). Remember, this process is about your healing, not theirs.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting your ex off the hook for what they did. It’s about letting go of the anger, resentment, and bitterness that’s been weighing you down. Picture your ex as emotionally immature, doing their best with what they had (even if that wasn’t much). This is for you, not them. And don’t forget to forgive yourself too. 

Step 3: Be Grateful (yes, really)

Gratitude can drastically shift your perspective. Write out every beautiful memory, every good time, every lesson learned, and how the relationship helped you grow. And really bloody mean it! Studies show that practising gratitude can help you process difficult emotions and move forward.

Step 4: Recognize your strength

Reclaim your power! Make a list of everything you brought to the relationship: how you loved, how you grew and what you gave. This isn’t about the relationship’s failure, it’s about remembering that what you have to offer is valuable, even if it didn’t last in this instance.

Originally published as Waiting for closure after a breakup won't save you – here's what will