Parenting advice: How to raise boys in the #metoo movement era

Tackling the issues of consent and respect with our sons has never been more important. Experts reveal how to navigate these topics and raise respectful and thoughtful young men.

The #metoo era has prompted a seismic shift in the treatment of women. It’s a positive and long-overdue step — and many parents may now be asking themselves: what’s the best way to raise respectful young men? For many, the business of instilling respect has taken on an unfamiliar new hashtag-driven dimension for a generation who increasingly interact with one another online.

We ask two leading psychologists what needs to be done to turn impressionable young boys into men who will be allies to women.

RAISE THE TOPIC

“It’s best to talk directly and clearly — no subtleties,” says clinical psychologist and Parenting Without Anger author Renee Mill.

“Young men need to be told about the #metoo movement, why it arose and what it means to them as males, and to females and the world at large. For instance, you might tell them that women have been discriminated against in many ways in the past; that they were preyed upon by men and often by powerful men in circumstances when they were helpless and their vulnerabilities exploited,” she says.

Young men need to be aware of the #metoo movement.

“Tell young men that the world’s changing, and women are now standing up and holding predators accountable. It’s not only a women’s movement: it’s for everyone, and men can contribute to making this a safer world.”

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Psychologist Nick Petrovic, from Sydney’s Mind Profile psychology clinic, adds: “For a long time, women stayed silent, not because these behaviours were acceptable, but because speaking out could lead to additional negative outcomes. It’s important that boys and young men understand that just because inappropriate behaviours may have been overlooked or excused by society in the past, it doesn’t make those behaviours acceptable.”

TALK ABOUT CONSENT

The most critical lesson parents can teach young men is about consent.

“It’s important that we teach boys and young men that silence does not mean agreement,” Petrovic says.

“Just because someone may be able to get away with something does not mean that it’s OK.”

He adds that parents using vague or general language could undermine the necessity of open, honest and clear communication.

“What might seem obvious to one person may not be to someone else, especially if they haven’t been taught what is and isn’t appropriate,” he says.

Mill has another tip for word choice: ditch the slang.

“It’s best to use dignified language, but no euphemisms,” she says.

Parents should speak to young boys and men about consent. Picture: iStock

“A child might need to know what kind of touching is permissible. You can name body parts and describe them in a respectful way, using words like ‘vagina’ and ‘breasts’ instead of ‘lady bits’ or ‘titties’. Slang makes it casual and this is serious. Dirty or silly words undo the message you’re trying to give.”

When a boy has crossed the line of acceptable behaviour, Mill advises parents to encourage apologies and reparation to the victim.

“Also, provide them with more education on the subject and consider involving a male figure he respects to talk to him.”

Petrovic advocates a two-fold approach: the boy not only needs to understand why his behaviour was wrong, but you also need to investigate the underlying thoughts that prompted his actions.

“If we can challenge inappropriate attitudes and beliefs, we not only address current behaviours, but future behaviours as well,” he says.

CHANGE THEIR THINKING

A boy or man called out on his bad behaviour may react aggressively or even plead ignorance.

“A common response may be that he misread the situation or did not feel that he was acting in an inappropriate way,” explains Petrovic.

“This is by no means an excuse for inappropriate behaviour, but it does open the door for a better understanding in cases where boys genuinely lack the skills needed to understand how their behaviours can impact others.”

Mill raises another possible response in victim-blaming, with ‘she initiated it’ being a common excuse.

“To that, you can explain that no matter who starts a situation, you are responsible for your own behaviour,” she says.

And what if he asks why girls need special treatment?

“You can answer that everybody needs to be treated with respect and everybody has the right to be protected,” Mill says.

The message parents need to get out there is that all people deserve to be treated with respect. Picture: iStock

Combine toxic masculinities and raging teenage hormones and you get a young man who believes seeking sex is his right, and you may get a retort, such as: ‘I was just trying to get laid.’ This is a deep-seated impulse rationalised by pop culture, his mates and realised by the ever-increasing scope of hook-up culture.

To counter this, Mill advises: “A young man’s attitude to sex can be highly influenced by the values of his parents. A good place to start is to discuss sex as something that should always be part of a consenting relationship.

“To take it further, you could suggest it should be a loving encounter and more than just physically using someone’s body.”

Or at the very least, respectful.

And there you have the central tenet of the entire discussion: respect.

SEEK A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL

The presence of a father or father figure can play an important role in a young man’s life, but there are other pathways, too.

“The reality is that fathers are not always available,” says Petrovic.

“Or worse, a father may present as a negative role model in a boy’s life.

Boys should have a positive role model.

“Again, it’s vital that we teach our boys to understand that respect is not an optional behaviour but rather a basic human right that must be given regardless of whether those who have moulded us were able demonstrate it.”

Under these circumstances, Mill suggests broadening the search for men to look up to. “Single-mother-led families are so common, it’s no longer seen as essential for a dad to be around. In these situations, other role models such as teachers, family and even athletes or celebrities come into play,” she says.