Let’s talk about sex: ‘I’m not sexually attracted to the man I love’

SEXOLOGIST Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers your sex questions in body+soul. Do you have a question? Email your query to [e-mail]

What should you do if you’re not sexually attracted to your partner?

SEXOLOGIST Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers your sex questions in body+soul. Do you have a question? Email your query to [e-mail]

Q: I’M NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THE MAN I LOVE

Can people be physically incompatible, but still in love? I feel attracted to a man I’ve been seeing, but it’s only in my mind. I’m not interested in the sex side of things and my body doesn’t respond, yet my mind says “yes” to being attracted to him on every other level. What can we do?

A:

Of course people can be in love without the physical compatibility right away. Our brain is our most important sexual organ. Mental attraction is absolutely required for falling in love and staying there.

In fact, many would argue that it’s what differentiates love from lust. When people talk about “clicking” and that they “just get each other”, they are referring to mental attraction.

Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers your sex questions.

While physical chemistry is important to the success of many relationships, mental attraction is what makes long-term relationships survive. Bodies will change over the years, but mental attraction can deepen with time.

Desire and pleasure are felt first in the mind, then reflected throughout the body. If your attraction to the man you’ve been seeing is real, the physicality will develop later on.

Spend time together, fostering your attraction from the mental to the physical. Take it very slowly, because if you pressure yourself or have rushed and unrealistic expectations, you’ll be sabotaging the process of learning to let go and be vulnerable.

Get turned on together. You could do this by talking, flirting, touching, and massaging each other. Slow down your sexual response, and work up to “great sex” gradually.

Immerse yourselves in each other and let go of the idea of any physical goals, like the need to climax. Focus instead on the pleasure you give each other, in whatever form that takes. Spend some time getting to know each other’s minds and bodies slowly.

Let the attraction smoulder; with time it will start to burn and you’ll find a way to physically express your attraction for one another.

There are many ways of being sexual together.

Italian poet Dante Alighieri once wrote, “A great flame follows a little spark.” Let the spark of your mental attraction heat up your body chemistry. And if after this you still find yourself more platonic than sensually responsive, it’s time to look at any anxieties or issues that may be holding you back from opening up physically, not just emotionally and mentally.

A reputable sex or relationship therapist can help you identify blockages or obstacles and work through them. Good luck and be kind and slow with yourself: a truly loving relationship, and not a lust-based one, can take time sometimes, but then be worth the effort and patience.

Doing chores together can spice up your sex life.

SHARING CHORES IS EXCELLENT FOR SEX

Credit: Lizza Gebilagin

IF YOU ever needed a foolproof argument to convince your other half to do more chores, it’s this: Couples who share house duties have more sex.

A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family (published next month) dubs it the “eroticism of fairness”.

The authors found that egalitarian couples – defined as a man performing 35-65 per cent of the housework – have sex an average 6.8 times per month, slightly higher than those in conventional unions (this is where the female does most of the domestic duties).

The authors write, “Feelings of fairness and satisfaction with the division of housework are central to couples’ relationship satisfaction, which is strongly related to sexual intimacy.”