How an OCD sufferer’s life of anxieties and phobias took turn for better

ABOUT three in every 100 Australians will develop Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Sufferers are often the butt of jokes but it’s a crippling and misunderstood condition, as 41-year-old Sarah* reveals.

Obsessive compulsive disorder can be a isolating condition for the sufferer. Picture: iStock

ABOUT three in every 100 Australians will develop Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Sufferers are often the butt of jokes but it’s actually a devastatingly crippling and misunderstood condition, as 41-year-old Sarah* reveals.

“IMAGINE this: a woman so depressed and miserable, she cannot stop crying. All she wants is a hug from her mum – but that’s impossible.

That woman is me. I suffer from OCD. There have been times I’ve been in such distress I’m desperate for Mum’s embrace but if she even attempted to put her arms around me, I’d have an extreme panic attack; it would be awful for both of us.

A combination of medication and cognitive behaviour therapy helped Sarah* cope. Picture: iStock

Life has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. At about six, I developed anxiety. I was bullied and picked on but despite everything, I excelled at school and embarked on a highly challenging university course.

I hoped I’d finally get a life. But the pressure of study combined with the death of an adored nan sent me spiralling downhill.

I developed depression, then OCD and an eating disorder. I had to quit university for a while but after finally struggling through my degree, I got my first job.

And that’s exactly when life became impossible.

My OCD meant I had a phobia of germs. I couldn’t travel on public transport, where I might sit on dirty seats or be pressed against other people so I had to drive into Melbourne city centre.

I couldn’t use the toilets at work because it was too difficult to get out – I couldn’t touch the locks, knowing that others had touched them without washing their hands.

I carried my own sanitiser everywhere and every morning I had to clean my desk and screen so they were spotless.

Small things like shaking someone’s hand were a major trauma. If possible, I’d shove my own hands in my pockets so I didn’t have to.

OCD is often compounded by depression, anxiety and panic disorders.

I couldn’t bear to see people eating at their desk but going out to lunch was also an issue. I still can’t eat anything that has to be handled – a doughnut or even just a sandwich.

My workmates made constant fun of me and I became so stressed that every lunchtime was spent finding a quiet place to weep.

I became so sick, I had to leave work and became almost completely housebound. I spent two hours every morning just having a shower, washing myself over and over.

People asked if I had sunburn because my hands were red and raw as a result. I was so depressed I didn’t want to go out and if I did, it couldn’t be for more than two hours because I didn’t like public toilets.

Even things that should’ve been a pleasure, like going clothes shopping with Mum, were an absolute nightmare.

We had to choose things that looked my size and take them home. I’d then pull them on and off very quickly, rush to shower and anything that I wanted to keep had to be thrown straight into the laundry.

Skirts and dresses were particularly traumatic because they’d touched someone’s bottom.

I don’t know what I’d have done without Mum and Dad. They never gave up on me or stopped researching my condition and trying to find me treatment.

Eventually, about 10 years ago, we did find a psychiatrist and psychologist who were able to help with a combination of medication and cognitive behaviour therapy.

Today I’m not claiming to be cured but I can live a semi-normal life and I’m down to 30 minutes in the shower; that alone is incredibly freeing.

Even more wonderful – as I’m an incurable romantic – I met a man online and we got married in April.

He’s very intelligent and although no-one can fully understand OCD unless they have it, I believe he understands it as much as he can.

Many situations are still hard and there are areas of the house – my wardrobe and office – that are out of bounds to everyone because I need a germ-free sanctuary, to escape to when the OCD is getting on top of me.

But I finally feel happy, not least because at last I have one person in the world I actually feel comfortable hugging – well, except for when he’s just come home from the gym.

You know that saying: ‘Love conquers all’? It seems it’s true.”

*Name changed for confidentiality reasons.

OCD facts

• OCD is the fourth most common psychiatric disorder after phobias, substance abuse and depression.

• Sufferers experience recurring obsessions and compulsions. These are distressing and impact on normal life.

• Common obsessions include fear of germs, fear of harm to the self or others, concerns with symmetry, illness or religious issues or irrational phobias about everyday objects.

• Common compulsions include washing and cleaning, checking things like locks or power switches, hoarding and repeating actions. These actions can occupy many hours of the day.

• OCD is often compounded by depression, anxiety and panic disorders.

• Causes can include genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, hormonal changes and personality traits.

• Medications and therapy can help.

• If you’re concerned that you or someone you care about is suffering from OCD, contact the Anxiety Recovery Centre (arcvic.org.au) or SANE (sane.org).