Dr Judith Locke: How to make the after school pick up enjoyable

Being driven home from school is a privilege — not a child’s given right. To ensure a successful journey, here are some tips that will hopefully create an afternoon free from belligerence, writes Dr Judith Locke.

A few months ago, I wrote a column about getting the morning routine right. This week, I want to help you sort out your afternoon routine — from the moment your child is ushered into your car by a teacher on duty, or whenever they saunter into the house after getting off the school bus.

Let’s start with the most important thing of all. Your face and words should convey happiness to be with your child (or any loved one) when you first see them and, hopefully, they are happy to see you too. That shouldn’t be too difficult, but if it is then it is probably an indication your relationship with them is not good.

Being driven home from school is a privilege — not a child’s right. Picture: iStock

If that is the case, then you both start your next interaction at a disadvantage, and this is likely to continue the impasse. Get help (family therapy or you see a psychologist) to iron out any issues as soon as you can.

Car rides home from school are fantastic opportunities to connect with children. Try to encourage conversation by not allowing your child to be on their phone, use headphones, or read books when in the car.

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That’s because these things stop conversation and kind of puts them in charge — ‘I don’t feel like talking to you, so I’m going to do something else’.

Even if you sit in companionable silence, it is better than letting them treat you like their Uber driver.

When you see them, ask them about their day. Start with broad questions, ‘How was school?’ You can go into a few more specific questions to find out a little more, but this doesn’t have to be a CSI investigation about everything that happened. To find out that it was a good or satisfactory day might be sufficient.

Try to be positive and don’t go all CSI on them. Picture: Supplied/CSI: Miami

Try to get them to think positively. Show as much interest in the good things that have happened to them as the tricky things they have experienced. If you seem to show more interest in their problems, your child can inadvertently get the message you only want them to report their troubles.

If your child does mention a problem, ask them a few questions about it to let them be heard, enable you to name the emotion and give them some permission to feel that way.

A few questions will also help you make a judgment of the severity of the issue.

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If you are concerned about their wellbeing, then you might contact their school, but remember, normal life has its ups and downs. Some success at school is important, but don’t underestimate the fact that some disappointment will teach them how to cope with frustration.

To help them, try to encourage your child to see minor things as temporary, avoid defining things as all good or all bad, and accept the things they can’t change. When you can, also empower them to act to improve things themselves, rather than expect you to always sort it out.

‘What is going on? Why is she talking to us?’ Picture: iStock

Ideally, they should ask you about your day too. Remember you are teaching them conversational etiquette and it shouldn’t all be one-sided conversation only about them, particularly when they get older.

If you have a teen who is regularly surly when you ask them about their day — snarling ‘I’ve lived it once I don’t want to live it again’ — then it means they are not showing enough respect. Asking someone about themselves is showing kindness and if your attempt is rudely dismissed, then it is an act of belligerence.

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And if the drive home is regularly fraught with bad moods and teen surliness? Remember — driving them home is a privilege, not a right, and they have the responsibility to make it a relatively pleasant experience.

If it is not, then I’d suggest you rethink the offer and have them consult the bus timetable.

Keep a regular routine when they get home:

● Arrange a small snack at first, so they don’t continually pick at food and ruin their dinner appetite.

● Ideally, the rules are that they first need to do homework to be able to do fun activities.

● In high school years, they should be managing homework themselves and dealing with the consequences (detentions or poor marks) if they aren’t.

● These consequences will kickstart their motivation more than your nagging.

● Get them to help the family too — help with dinner, set the table or maybe take the dog for a walk.

Dr Locke did her PhD at Queensland University of Technology on the changes in parenting and is now a visiting Fellow at QUT doing ongoing research on modern parenting, child and parent wellbeing and school environments.

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