Be a parent — not your child’s personal assistant

Parents who go running to deliver lunches or homework could be doing children more harm than good, writes parenting expert Dr Judith Locke. Say no to and what their resourcefulness grow.

A few years ago, a mother recounted a story to me.

She was settled in for the evening when her son phoned her.

He was at a party and he was a little chilly — could she drop off a jumper to him?

No big issue yet, but one more thing — he was 19 years old. She said it had suddenly dawned on her, “I have been dropping off things to him, his entire life.”

I work with schools around Australia helping them ensure that their students have the best chance of becoming confident and capable.

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One of the many ideas I suggest is a school policy change — that of parents being able to deliver forgotten items to their children through the day.

This is a big issue. Schools describe stories of parents driving great distances to school camps to drop off an additional pair of trackpants just in case their child needs them.

Or delivering nail polish to school for their teen daughter who suddenly worries her hands aren’t pretty enough for a job interview. These days, some parents don’t just drop off forgotten lunch, but take it upon themselves to turn up to school at midday to drop off a hot meal for their child.

Many parents rush to deliver forgotten items — especially lunch — to their kids at school. Picture: istock

Mobile phones have a lot to do with this. It is now so easy for children to contact their parents and let them know what items they have carelessly left behind, or suddenly need.

In many ways, I don’t blame the children. If you had a person you could call on at all times to bring your phone, forgotten lunch, or even nail file — you might do it. But it is the impact of some parents’ ready availability, that is the issue.

First of all, it is a policy that makes it unfair to some parents. It is only those with truly flexible working hours who can deliver forgotten items — that puts children with working parents at an immediate unfair disadvantage.

It is also unfair for schools. Administration staff have enough to do without playing Australia Post on a regular basis and roaming around delivering items.

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But most importantly it stops your child developing essential skills. This includes self- regulation skills of being organised to pack their bag properly or follow instructions to grab their lunch and put it in their bag.

Parents who always solve problems also fail to develop their children’s resourcefulness of sorting out their own issues. Forgetting things should encourage children to be practical enough to work out a solution, such as rejigging their drama performance, so they don’t need the umbrella.

Children need to learn how to be self-organised. Picture: istock

I understand parents bring things to their children to stop them experience a consequence — such as missing out on the swimming lesson or getting a detention for not having their homework. But the trouble is, receiving a consequence will make it more likely to encourage them to be more organised in the future and feel more personal responsibility to sort out their lives. Experiencing a minor consequence is also going to make them more resilient to future experiences when they have to bear some cost for their mistake.

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Of course, if you are asked by the school to drop off something essential that they need, such as an inhaler, then you might get in the car. But their forgotten assignment or lunch is not a life or death thing — and I can’t see anything but a very short-term benefit and long-term negative impact of making sure they always have a hassle-free life.

So, check that your helpfulness really is helpful. Maybe, it’s time to drop the midday drop-off routine.

Here’s some ways to get your child better organised:

● Have a list near their bag for evening and morning organisation tasks, such as

freezing the water bottle before bed and packing their lunch in the morning.

● Create a schedule of the things they need to pack everyday — such as their library bag on Tuesdays or swimming gear on Fridays, to remind them.

● Check their resourcefulness. Have a conversation with them about what they would do if they didn’t have their lunch. If they don’t know, suggest some things such as borrow money, or speak to the teacher.

● Then, let them know that from now on you are not going to drop any forgotten

items off. Say you are confident they will know what to do.

Dr Locke did her PhD at Queensland University of Technology on the changes in parenting and is now a visiting Fellow at QUT doing ongoing research on modern parenting, child and parent wellbeing and school environments.

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