Kids need to fail. And parents need to let them

Your children aren’t little gods who need success and happiness laid at their feet, writes Dr Judith Locke. Parents trying to facilitate ‘perfect’ childhoods are actually harming their kids.

In the clinic and at university, I see a change in many teens and young adults.

Small things seem to have bigger impacts on them. Many have extreme anxiety about making mistakes, low tolerance to temporary difficulty, and outright distress when receiving constructive criticism. Often, they don’t seem to bounce back easily from minor challenge.

We have been conditioned to think that poor wellbeing is always due to difficult childhoods and challenging events, and for some that is true. But increasingly I am finding that it is often an almost perfect childhood that is likely responsible for making some lack resilience.

These days, many parents are doing all they can to give their children good lives and it is with the best of intentions.

A parent putting in a lot of work to make their child’s life as pleasant as it can be is completely understandable.

You want them to be happy and successful because you believe it increases their self-esteem and chance of future success.

Many parents worry about the impact of disappointment on their child, and try to ensure that they don’t experience these stings.

It’s completely understandable for parents to put in a lot of work to give their kids good lives but they have to know when to step back. Picture: Getty

When life becomes momentarily tricky for them, then of course it is easy to fix it, with a phone call to the teacher to get them in the camp group with their friend, or handing them a strategic biscuit to turn their frown upside down.

Even better — making things go well for your child saves a busy parent the time of dealing with tantrums or tears.

But in this, parents forget that life is not all roses. Your children aren’t little gods who need daily offerings of success and happiness laid at their feet.

This is particularly true if their sweet life is primarily due to your efforts. Inadvertently, you will be encouraging them to expect daily triumphs with minimal effort. And life doesn’t usually happen like that.

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With the best of intentions, you may also make them less prepared for the reality of a truly human existence. At some point, things aren’t going to pan out as planned, and if they are not used to dealing with some challenge, then they are not going to cope.

Of course, I’m not saying you should try to orchestrate constant unhappiness for your child, but given that most lives involve a mixture of good and bad, if they only experience the good then you are only half preparing them for life.

Allowing them to process difficult emotions when they’re younger helps build resilience. Picture: ThinkStock

While I know it feels awful to watch your child be disappointed or sad, every time you help them avoid those feelings, you also sidestep them learning essential skills of resilience and a belief they will cope if life doesn’t always go their way.

Remember, providing your child an upbringing where their path is both easy and occasionally a little tricky will be the right start to the sort of journey that takes them to a destination where they are likely to be truly contented and prepared for what lies ahead.

TAKEAWAY FOR PARENTS

■ Try to ensure that your child’s daily experiences approximate normal life, including occasional boredom, losing the game, or not always getting the last slice of pizza.

■ When your child is disappointed, it’s understandable you want them to feel better immediately, but taking temporary bad feelings away make your child less capable to face inevitable trickiness in the future. Next time, show your support by a statement of empathy. This support without easy solution will help them develop the skills to cope with occasional challenge and discomfort.

■ Try to show your love not so much by always helping them, but by helping them help themselves. Coach them how to have the difficult conversation with their friend or teacher, or see if they can overcome the minor playground squabble themselves without your involvement.

Each year, with your support, they should become more confident.

Dr Locke did her PhD at Queensland University of Technology on the changes in parenting and is now a visiting Fellow at QUT doing ongoing research on modern parenting, child and parent wellbeing and school environments.

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