Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

My boyfriend hasn’t proposed to me and we have been together for eight years. Should I give him a deadline, or just cut my losses and leave now.

Melissa offers expert relationship advice every week.

A girlfriend isn’t too sure whether she should hold out for a proposal after eight years, and a new flame has a slightly unhygienic habit. Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari believes there may be a path forward.

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DEAR MELISSA

We’ve been together eight years, and he still hasn’t proposed. I’ve hinted about rings I might like, but he said it will come in time. He’s been saying that for the past three years. I’m kind of considering leaving him if he doesn’t commit to me, does that make me a bad person, why hasn’t he proposed yet?

It’s important to communicate with your partner before making sudden decisions.

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

The question of whether we should get married is one that many couples who have been in a relationship for an extended period will often grapple with.

In my practice I come across many couples who have made the decision to marry, without ever taking the time to ask each other why?

Many made the decision to marry without giving thought to what it actually means, believing that ‘we love each other’ is enough.

It is not, what is most important is understanding the commitment that you are making to each other is you both saying that you will be there for each other in a way that no others person will – for as long as you both shall live.

That is an enormous and something all couples should explore that they are truly committed to it before making the decision to tie the knot.

Instead, most after a period of time together come to the conclusion that they should marry, when one of the partners comes to that conclusion they can make the assumption that their partner is (or should) be having the same thought.

Assumptions are something that gets couples into trouble, and can lead to frustration and resentment, which is what you are currently experiencing.

Instead, what is more important is for you both to be on the same page with what you want from the relationship, to be open with each other and communicate on what is important to you and why.

Let him know why getting married is important for you and to explore through curiosity where he stands, what his anxieties or fears may be around getting married, how he sees the future of the relationship.

This will also give you the opportunity to share with him how you are feeling, how you see the future of the relationship and an opportunity for you both to explore the ‘why’ we should marry.

Having such conversations and better understanding how each other is feeling will help you navigate the many difficult situations and big life choices you will need to make as your relationship evolves.

It is a far better way to discuss issues of marriage, rather than hinting at rings or threatening to leave – threats only hinder the development of a strong and healthy relationship and is no way to start a marriage together.

DEAR MELISSA

I really like this guy I’m dating, but … he doesn’t wash down there. I try to encourage him to wash it so I can do things for him, but he says it’s fine and other women would happily do it. Am I crazy, or is this a red flag?

Conversations about personal hygiene can be difficult to bring up.

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

When we commence a new relationship we begin on a journey of discovering about each other. Over time revealing who the person is that we are beginning this relationship with.

Is this person collaborative, are they buying into the partnership that we are creating, what spirit are they bringing into the relationship, are they willing to take into consideration what is important to me, are they showing respect for who I am as a person?

Answers to these questions reveal over time whether the person that you are dating is ultimately the ‘one’ for you, someone who will have your back and whether you choose to spend a long portion of your life, perhaps answering if they are your forever person.

Looking at your question, I note that personal hygiene is one of those discussions that can be difficult to have with anybody, people can become very sensitive to commentary around their hygiene, prompting a defensive response.

My concern and what may well be a ‘red flag’ for you is how he has referred to ‘other women’ suggesting that if you don’t want to pleasure him in that way, others will.

That should be the concern for you and something that you need to address, as on the surface it is disrespectful and suggests that he is not willing to stop and listen to your concerns on something that could be easily remedied.

Relationships over time are built on the foundation of respect and care for each other, when we come across issues that may divide us, finding a way to make that a win/win for the both of you is a key to a successful relationship.

That is an area you need to explore before determining if this is someone you want to continue a relationship with – how he responds will be revealing as to what type of person he is and whether he is the right type of person for you.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.