Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

I had an abortion and my boyfriend was against it. Is there any hope for us?

Melissa Ferrari provides expert guidance on two relationship issues a week. Picture: iStock

Concerned about the future of her relationship after an abortion, a young woman has reached out to relationship expert Melissa Ferrari for guidance on how to save her relationship.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

DEAR MELISSA

Six months ago, I accidentally got pregnant. We were careful and we used protection. I’m in my early 20s and I can’t afford to raise a child, but my boyfriend wanted to keep it. I didn’t so I got an abortion but he hasn’t forgiven me since then. Whenever I ask to hang out, he blows me off. I couldn’t afford to raise a child, and I’m not even sure I wanted kids. Was I really in the wrong? I would have had to carry the child, not him. Is there any hope for us?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

Relationships are a two-person system, so when we face major life decisions, if a decision is made without collaboration or consideration of each other, it can create feelings of resentment and that we are not being listened to.

By making these decisions together is how we build trust with each other and if one partner elects to make a decision without input, or if they ignore the thoughts of their partner, this can create resentment which can be very damaging to a relationship.

That is what you are now dealing with in your partner, he does not feel that he was listened to and that his thoughts, feelings and pain were not recognised.

Do not take that as a judgment of your decision, it is your body, your life and you have not done anything wrong, so be clear in your own mind that the abortion was the right decision for you and to honour that decision.

You have also been through an incredibly difficult and emotional period in your life, so make sure that you are looking after your mental health and getting support if you need it.

For the future of your relationship, you are going to have to address what has happened with your partner, to acknowledge his pain by allowing him to be heard and to share with you how he feels and how your decision has impacted him.

This will also give you the opportunity to share with him the pain you have gone through, to share your emotions and make it clear why you made the decision that you did.

Given the sensitivities you may want to have that conversation with a couples therapist you are both comfortable with to help you both better deal with the strong emotions that are likely to be present.

Through better understanding each other, that is the only likely way that your relationship can be healed and that you can move forward together.

Good luck and remember that no matter what happens with your relationship, what was important at the time was what was right for you.

Not being on the same page about children can lead to issues in a marriage. Picture: iStock

DEAR MELISSA

I want a divorce … but my wife believes divorcing is bad. We have issues that I don’t think can really be resolved. Nobody in her family has ever gotten divorced, and she thinks something bad will happen if we divorce. Is there really no way out?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

We do live in the era of ‘no fault’ divorce, so if that is what you really want to do, then your wife cannot prevent you from divorcing her, with the only requirement for a court being that the marriage has irrevocably broken down – which is usually demonstrated by a period of separation of 12-months or more.

If though you believe that you need your partner to agree to the divorce, then the other option for you is to seek the support of a couple’s therapist to help you both to ‘consciously uncouple.’

Through that process you can talk through the issues that has caused the marriage to breakdown, and it will help your wife to understand the reasons for the divorce and why nothing ‘bad’ will happen through your separation.

As strange as it sounds, it is quite common in practice for couples to come into therapy so they can be helped to separate, with a good therapist able to help both through the emotional strain that separation and divorce can bring – particularly if children are involved.

In seeking support, it may also be worthwhile for you to keep an open mind, through communicating our feelings and digging into issues that are pushing you and your wife apart, you may also find that once in the open that by working together they can be resolved.

In my practice I have observed couples who have ended their relationship early, when it was still possible for it to be repaired – which can lead to regret post-divorce.

In the end you need to decide on what you want for your relationship, wanting a divorce but not pursuing one because your wife does not want one will not make any of the issues go away – they will only worsen – as will your resentment.

So, for the sake of the mental health and wellbeing of both of you, either get help to work through the problems in your relationship or make that decision yourself to leave.

Melissa Ferrari provides guidance to couples every week. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.