Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

Can your partner really be faithful to you if they choose to watch porn over spending time with you?

Can watching porn really be detrimental to your relationship?

Is it really a bad thing if your partner watches porn? How much is too much? Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari believes the answer isn’t quite black and white.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

DEAR MELISSA

Is watching porn considered cheating in a relationship?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

The answer to this question is best described as “it depends” and that is because in some relationship’s pornography can play a part, actively used by both to enhance the sexual relationship.

For others, especially those who have suffered sexually related trauma, discovering that their partner has accessed pornography can have a devastating impact on their relationship.

Accessing pornography is an issue I deal with often in my clinic, where men think its OK if they watch it from time to time (or some more than time to time) while their partner finds it offensive and disgusting.

Remember that we do live in a digital world, where accessing porn is as easy as pressing a button and we know that around 80 per cent of men and a growing number of women (30 per cent) have accessed porn at some point in their life.

Which is why it is something that should be discussed early in a relationship and form part of the rules and agreements, so both understand how comfortable each other is with someone accessing it.

This also provides an opportunity to understand why someone, due to a past trauma, may be so opposed to pornography which will likely help you to resist the temptation.

Is watching porn by yourself really a bad thing? Picture: iStock

If there is an agreement to not access porn, and then one partner chooses to anyway, then that in a sense is a betrayal and depending on how deeply it affects the betrayed, can potentially invoke a response akin to someone who has been cheated on.

So, the question of whether it is the same or similar to cheating is best answered by how well you know each other.

With the above I am talking around traditional pornography, where you are a third-party witness to the actions of others – where lines may be crossed, and new rules and agreements needed is in the area of AI and VR porn.

Through this new technology you can immerse yourself in the sex scene, which can be highly addictive, with the immersive nature of VR having the potential to cause major issues with your relationship.

So, if porn is part of your life and your partner is happy with that, keep it light and fun and if it is a ‘no, no’ in your relationship then steer well clear of it.

DEAR MELISSA

My partner just told me they have herpes, what do I do?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

The good news is that your partner was honest and open with you on having a transmissible medical condition, which is important as it enables you to make decisions around your own health.

The bad news is that it has likely raised some questions in your mind as to how your partner contracted the virus, which may have caused some concerns as to faithfulness, likely leading to some further questions from you.

While they are perfectly reasonable questions to ask, the reality is that the herpes virus can lay dormant for long periods of time, so your partner may have picked it up from a previous partner and only now become aware of having the virus.

There are conversations you will no doubt need to have to settle your own concerns and curiosity. Look to approach them with an open mind, you may also find it beneficial to do so with the support of a relationship counsellor you are both comfortable with.

Communicating with your partner is paramount in any relationship. Picture: iStock

It’s important for you to educate yourself by speaking to your GP so you can understand how you can protect yourself from an active outbreak, its symptoms, and the risk it poses to you – if you are looking to continue your relationship it may be beneficial for you to both attend together.

Once you are fully informed and aware of how your partner likely contracted the virus, then you will have a decision to make on how you move forward with your relationship.

If it is a long-term relationship, one which you are both committed to each other, then you should be able to navigate this path together and manage any outbreaks, if it is a younger relationship or you are unsure about your partner being your forever person, then you may choose a different path.

Remember that you have every right to make an informed decision and that whether you are willing to live with the virus or not, is only a decision that you can make.

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.