Prefer masturbation? You might be a 'solosexual'

It's different to asexuality

Here's everything you need to know about solosexuality. Image: Getty

You may have heard of asexuality, but have you heard of solosexuality? We asked somatic sexologist Georgia Grace to share all the details about this lesser-known sexual preference. 

Our understanding of sexuality and gender is constantly evolving. What began as binary genders and heterosexuality has morphed, with time and advocacy, into a full spectrum of identities, with neologisms that serve to help people understand who people are, and make sense of the world around them.

Thanks to championing from the LGBTQIA+ community, the space for queer people in society is widening. A significant portion of Australians now have at least a basic understanding of the lesbian, gay, and bisexual sexualities, and are working towards better understanding queer/questioning, intersex and asexuality, along with transgender and non-binary gender identities. Of course, there is a long way to go. 

But beyond the acronym, there are many queer sexualities that aren’t yet well understood – solosexuality being one of them, which is rising in commonality, and relevant to more people than you may think. 

We asked somatic sexologist Georgia Grace to help break down exactly what solosexuality means, and why it’s an identity that deserves space in the conversation. 

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What does it mean to be solosexual? 

It’s a term that first showed up in the 1990s, but didn’t gain much mainstream traction until 2015. So what actually is it? 

In short, solosexuality means to prefer “to engage in solosexual behaviours like masturbation over sex with others,” says Grace. “It's a term that a lot of people are using to make sense of their desires. It is really normal. It is really common.” 

Oftentimes, Grace explains, there’s a proclivity to “pathologize anytime someone is doing something beyond what the mainstream considers the norm” – and try to come up with a reason for why something is the way it is. 

Solosexuality comes into the bucket, and while it is a human tendency to find out the reason for something, the cause of a situation, when it comes to sexuality, it usually doesn’t work like that. 

“Sure, some may be using [solosexuality] as a way to overcome sexual anxiety, or they're not willing to connect with others,” says Grace. “Maybe they're working through sexual trauma and they don't want to have sex with other people. But that's not the case for everyone.” 

Just as some people are homosexual, and others aren’t sexual at all (more on that later), some aren’t interested in having sex with other people, only themselves. 

Solosexual people prefer to have sex with themselves than others. Image: Normal Co

What is asexuality? 

Solosexuality is often confused with asexuality, and while there can be overlap between the two, they’re quite different concepts. 

“Asexuality or someone who is asexual is someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction,” says Grace. 

“Sexual attraction is when you find someone sexually appealing and you want to have sex with them. And so someone who is asexual typically won't experience this sexual attraction towards other people.”

“[Asexuality] is in the acronym LGBTQIA+, it is a [recognised] queer identity,” she continues. But as with all forms of sexuality, asexuality can be a spectrum. 

Some people may be entirely asexual, and also aromantic, meaning they won’t experience any form of sexual attraction, nor will they develop feelings for people. Others may still want to fall in love and be in relationships – just without the sex. 

The term ‘Grey Ace’ refers to people who fall somewhere in the middle: who are “not necessarily sexual, but they're not necessarily asexual. They're in the grey space between,” says Grace. 

“Some people do still experience sexual attraction and sometimes they want sex and sometimes they have sex and you know, it's great for them and sometimes they masturbate and it's great for them.”

How is solosexuality different to asexuality? 

While asexuality is typically defined by a ‘hard no’ towards sexual activity, that doesn’t necessarily include the arousal they experience on their own. 

 “Some people may be asexual and they may be solosexual – they could go hand in hand” says Grace. “But then for one person, they may identify [as asexual] and have no desire to masturbate or have a sexual relationship with their own body either. It’s a very individual thing.” 

The key to grasping the difference between the two lies in understanding “solosexuality as a sexual relationship you have with yourself, and asexuality as experiencing little to no sexual attraction” to anyone, including themselves. 

That being said, “We need to hold space for the fact that sexuality is nuanced. It is dynamic,” says Grace.

“Often labels are very useful for us, understanding ourselves, learning more about who we are. That can be very, very validating. 

“And at the same time, sometimes they can limit us and how we experience ourselves. And they can also limit others in how they understand us and our needs.” 

Solosexuality is different to asexuality. Image: Instagram/@womanizerglobal

Where did solosexuality come from?

Just as with sexual identities, society’s attitudes towards sex as a whole are improving. Thanks to sex-positive role models and dialogues, people are becoming more literate about what they do and don’t like – a big part of which is masturbation. 

Masturbation has long been a dirty word, with connotations of beaten-up Playboy mags, dodgy-looking black and orange websites, and grotty old socks hung haphazardly on door handles. It’s a definitively masculine space – an act and even a word that women or minority communities weren’t permitted to engage with at all.

Over the past five to 10 years this conversation has started to look quite different. The market for people who masturbate has exploded, with sex retailers like Lovehoney, which are predominantly targeted towards women, literally making it their business, and sexual wellness becoming a must-have category for beauty brands, department stores and the like. 

This exposure therapy of sorts has thrust sexuality into the spotlight – namely, our own. It’s forced a lot of people to question what we’ve long been taught to accept: that having sex with men is categorically better than not having sex at all. 

For some people, that is a consequence of previous experiences. “It could be that they're just not wanting and willing to have sex with people at the moment. They feel stressed about it. They have certain anxieties…they're just not willing to engage in sex with others in this way,” says Grace. 

Or they’ve just realised that when it comes to sex, the only person who can find their clitoris is themselves, so why bother with anyone else?

But for others, being solosexual is just who they are, always has been. And it’s just taken society a little while to catch up. 

“They may have no attraction or desire to have sex with others. It could be that they know how to get themselves off and it's way more fun for them,” says Grace. “Or it could just be a preference.”

“I speak to lots of people who also don't identify as being solosexual, but they will say that some of the best sex they've ever had is sex with themselves.”

Originally published as Prefer masturbation? You might be a 'solosexual'