The 5 questions every couple needs to ask themselves this year

Check in before you check out

Love – in a romantic sense –has connotations of deep commitment and vested emotional interest. Image: iStock

When it comes to ‘new year, new me’, is there someone else you’re forgetting? According to the experts, January is the perfect time to take a look at your relationship.

Fallen into the habit of setting resolutions at the start of each year as you eye off career goals and personal growth aspirations? Good on you. But according to the experts a lot of folk are missing one big topic of their to-do list. 

“It’s very common, at the start of a year, that we reflect and we think about the new year and what we want,” relationship coach Aston Simmonds tells Body+Soul. “And a lot of people forget to add their relationship to their goals. They just kind of assume it'll take care of itself.”

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works when we’re the ones constantly changing. 

“Every single year, you're recreating yourself,” she explains. “So you’re stepping into a new version of yourself, and a lot of people forget that if they’re in a relationship and if they’ve been married for a long time.” 

Simmonds, who works alongside her husband Adam, who’s also a relationships coach, says they’ve been together for 20 years and married for 10 this year. “We realized that every single year we were in the same real relationship with the same person, but actually a different version of each other,” she says. “So we needed to not only recreate the version of ourselves, but recreate the version of our relationship.”

The tide is turning on relationships. Image: Pexels

The shift in relationships 

As we enter the second half of the decade, Simmonds warns that relationships have changed as we know them. 

“Really now in 2025, we’ve seen a shift in the purpose of relationships and it’s no longer just celebrated to be together for a long time,” the expert warns. “Like longevity is great, but if you're surviving in the relationship and you're not happy, that's not celebrated as much anymore.”

Now, it’s more about the growth of your relationship. “If you're together for a long time and growing, that's what we're celebrating,” Simmonds says. “And that's what ensures that you actually stay together, and not just stay together, but you grow together.”

You need to make sure you're going into 2025 in the same direction. Source: Pexels

Don’t assume the relationship will take care of itself 

The danger of failing to check-in on your relationship is that you’ll slowly start to drift further and further apart. “This happens very subtly, and it builds over time, and this is how couples end up divorced or feeling like there's a disconnection,” the relationships coach explains. “It starts as a bit of a distance, there is a bit of withdrawing, there's misunderstandings, and then this disconnection starts.”

That’s why check-ins are important in meeting the needs of the relationship and understanding what is working and what isn’t, and acting on it. “It's like every other area of your life,” Simmonds explains. “If you don't take the feedback and make the changes, it's not going to work out the way you want, while those who don't check in regularly, end up checking out.”

Which makes it all the more difficult when you’re trying to repair the damage. “It’s not going to be the end for everyone, but it is often a bit too late to check-in when you're ready to check out,” the expert says. Because often a lot has happened over time and it’s pretty difficult to work through. Whereas if you check in regularly, you can actually work through it in real-time. Plus the check-ins are great for growth as well. 

“It's not just the good things that bring us growth,” says Simmonds. “Often it's the challenges or tough conversations, but positive things can come out of them if we actually make the time to check in.”

It's time to check-in on your relationship. Image: iStock

Prioritising your relationship in 2025

All it takes is five simple questions according to the relationship coach.

#1. What were the most memorable moments or highlights of our relationship in 2024?

“We want to start on a high, because a lot of couples avoid these conversations, and it’s really important to reflect first on what worked,” Simmonds says. “There were likely moments that you need to be grateful for and that you may need to appreciate each other for, because we often forget to appreciate each other for those things on a day to day basis. So take the time to acknowledge that together and acknowledge what you've achieved together, because there's always at least one thing that you can celebrate that you've done together that will bring up those positive memories.” 

Remember what made you happy in 2024. Image: Pexels

#2. How well did we handle and support each other through challenges in 2024?

“Everybody has challenges in their relationships, absolutely no relationship is perfect,” the coach says. “The real test of a relationship is actually how you navigate these challenges together and how you show up in these challenging times. 

“So they need to ask questions like, ‘How do we handle challenges? How well do we support each other through it? How well do we handle stress? Did we communicate our needs?’. And it's really about not taking it personally, but taking the feedback of where we may need to do a little bit more work, whether it's on our communication styles or making more time for each other or prioritizing each other so we feel supported. Then you can more effectively navigate those challenges in the future because it is certain that those challenges will come up again, and you want to have a plan for how you can support each other going forward.” 

It's time to evaluate how things went last year. Image: iStock

#3. How did we feel on average in our relationship in 2024? Rate the following areas out of 10

“You want to do a rate system so you can see where you're growing and where you still have work to do, with zero being terrible and 10 being amazing,” Simmonds says. “We suggest rating areas of communication, connection, intimacy, quality time, happiness, commitment to working on the relationship, and then how supported you felt.

“You want to make sure that you are making this measurable so that you can go back and compare and see where you're growing and maybe choose from one of those areas. Usually we suggest starting with the area that has the lowest score, because if you work on just that one area, what you'll find is that all the other areas will naturally increase.

“Plus, there's usually one area that we are avoiding, and that's usually where the most growth is. So if we stop resisting it and lean into it, you'll both experience more growth in that area. And that really helps you build more trust and safety in the relationship when you're looking at these areas and how you're both feeling as well.”

Get your relationship back on track. Image: Pexels

#4. What were the top three emotions we felt in our relationship in 2024, and what emotions do we want to feel more of in 2025? 

“This is really important because relationships rely on emotions and your emotions reflect the overall health of the relationship,” explains the coach. “Like if you're primarily feeling frustrated, disconnected or stressed, which is very common, it's highly likely that the health of the relationship is going to be very low, and it’ll then flow on to your communication and your connection, and it will usually mean a lack of intimacy too. 

“So you want to consciously and intentionally decide what emotions you want to cultivate and feel in yourself and you want to bring those emotions into your relationship. So there's a lot of emotions you can choose from, but some great ones are to bring in more joy, more appreciation, more fun, and more play. 

“A lot of couples get really stuck in the seriousness of life, and relationships are about fulfilment. So they're about the fun stuff, the love, the joy, the excitement, and the adventure. So choose emotions that actually bring in more of what you want to feel, and then you both need to make a commitment to intentionally bring those emotions and those energies into the relationship. And you’ll find that they have a profound impact on your level of happiness and well being, but also the health of your relationship in all those important areas of communication, connection and intimacy.” 

Think big for 2025 and work towards it together. Image: Pexels

#5. What is the intention of our relationship for 2025, and what is the one thing you want to experience more of in your relationship in 2025?

“It's really important to set an intention for the year ahead with a word that really anchors you into the goals that you want to achieve together and that gets you excited,” says Simmonds. “Because again, it comes back to those emotions that help you to keep going, not just in the good times, but in the hard times as well. It can also help you both feel really aligned. Then whatever opportunities come to you this year, you get to filter it through that word and really ask yourself, ‘Is this opportunity for both of us aligned with what we intend for this year? Does it really match what we're trying to achieve together?’. If not, then it's an easy no and it becomes a lot easier to say yes to what you actually both want in that year, and it helps you to embody what you want to create in your relationship. 

“Once you've gone through the process then you want to take a few moments to write down three to five action steps to take, such as scheduling a regular check in and reflecting on where you're at and asking, ‘How is our communication? And are we feeling better?’. 

“It might mean scheduling a weekly date. It might mean investing in your relationship and working with a coach or a counsellor to improve your communication. They can be really simple action steps like that, but you want to jot down those action steps and then make a commitment to do them. But it's really important to set aside this time to have these honest conversations so that you are aligned, so that you do feel connected, and so that you can commit to making this year the best year for both of you as a couple.”

Originally published as The 5 questions every couple needs to ask themselves this year