What is a twin flame, and how do you know if you've met yours?

And do you really need to find them? 

In a world where we’re all desperately searching for The One, could you blame us for buying into theories about connection? Especially when they allude to our souls. 

Just in case the prospect of finding your soulmate wasn’t daunting enough, there’s now another concept that we all need to get around. 

A twin flame essentially means that one soul is split between two bodies and that you’re one day destined to reunite with an intense pull toward each other. 

But when it comes to truth or make-believe, what do the experts say? 

Are we really missing part of our soul? And are we meant to spend our days searching for our other half? 

What is a twin flame?

According to Gemma Cribb, a clinical psychologist at Equilibrium Psychology, ‘twin flame’ is not a psychological term. 

“It’s more of a spiritual kind of domain, a bit like the term empath or star signs and that sort of stuff,” she tells Body+Soul. "So it’s kind of like the concept of a soulmate, which psychology doesn’t really address because it’s more of a spiritual concept.”

That being said, there is some actual science behind it. 

“Like most narratives or stories that come up in our culture, there is some level of scientific underpinning,” Cribb points out. “And with the twin flame concept, we would suggest that it is akin to a relationship between someone who is more avoidantly attached and someone who is more anxious ambivalently attached.”

Basically, it comes down to there being a ‘runner’ and a ‘chaser’.  And yes, it’s as crazy as it sounds. 

“The twin flame narrative is that your soul was split in half when you were incarnated on this earth – like I said, it’s a very spiritual concept – and when you meet your other half, that is your twin flame," says Cribb. 

"It’s this hugely chaotic, dramatic relationship that is unique and fated."

Will you find your way to your twin flame? Image: iStock

Of course, psychologists don’t believe in fate or souls splitting in half. Buzzkill, we know. 

But, as Cribb says (and here’s where we get sciencey), “if you look at what they talk about and what the signs of having met your twin flame are, a lot of that stuff lines up with falling in love with someone who’s got an opposite attachment style to you.” 

So you’ve got the anxiously attached person who is the ‘chaser’. The one who wants more contact and wants to feel like they’re important. 

“They fear abandonment, so they tend to initiate contact and be more needy,” explains the psychologist. "And the avoidantly attached partner – the ‘runner’ – fears being smothered and so will often take more distance and be more a bit ‘too cool for school’ type of thing. They’ll be a bit more dismissive and lone wolfy.”

Sound familiar? It does for me – someone who has dated many of them. 

“Now, when two people like this get together, if the discrepancy in their needs is high enough, you’ve got the situation there where it’s a very emotionally tumultuous relationship because both parties get triggered by each other a lot,” Cribb says. “And a lot of people interpret that emotional turmoil as being a very strong bond, like once in a lifetime. Like, ‘I feel about this person the way I’ve never felt about anybody before’.” 

Which kinda sounds like that butterflies-in-the-tummy-fireworks-exploding-over-head kind of love, right? All dramatic and fiery and the feeling that this is it.  But actually, Cribb says it just means that “your needs aren’t getting met”.

Twin flames aren't always about peace and love. Image: iStock

Twin flame vs soul mate

So clearly the twin flame meaning is a little complicated. But how does it differ from a soul mate? 

“The twin flame concept is that there’s only one of it, and it’s your soul split into half,” the psychologist explains. 

“Whereas a soulmate is a different soul and you can meet lots of soulmates on your journey. And they’re not just romantic partners – they could be friends or teachers or colleagues, or some people even say their kids are their soulmates.”

But with the twin flame connection, some people's souls are split into two and the other flame – the other twin – has your exact same soul.

What happens if you break up with your twin flame? Image: Unsplash

What happens if you break up with your twin flame?

If the relationships are chaotic, you can bet your bottom dollar that the breakups are going to be even more devastating. So, how do you get through it? 

“As a psychologist, I would generally coach the same thing I would for anybody going through any breakup,” Cribb says. “That’s to cease contact, to try to move on with your life, to do lots of self-care, and to look at what you selected in that partner and see what you’ve learned from that and try to select someone different in the future.”

Which, to be honest, goes against the whole twin flame concept that you’re destined to be together.  

“That’s completely opposite to the literature on twin flames, or the twin flame story, in that no matter where you go or what you do, the twin flame will come back into your life,” Cribb explains. "Which I think is particularly unhelpful.” 

As for us, we guess only time will tell.  

How do you know if you've met your other half?

How can I meet my twin flame?

It might be a bit trickier than simply swiping left and right on the dating apps. 

According to Twin Flames Universe, you need to take a spiritual journey to meet your soul’s other half. 

This includes personalised guidance with an ascension coach to explore your emotions, gain clarity and rediscover your inner strength. 

Signs that you have met your twin flame

Whether or not the concept rings true. Whether you’re twin flames or just one anxiously attached person chasing after an avoidantly attached partner (hey, we’ve all been there). There are signs that you’ve met that person in the twin flame stages. 

“I can’t speak to meeting a twin flame, but there are definitely signs that you’re in a relationship with someone who’s more avoidant or more anxiously attached than you,” says Cribb. 

So, here’s what to look out for. 

These types of relationships can be steeped in drama. Image: iStock

#1. An instant recognition and connection

According to Aletheia Luna, a Perth-based spiral educator who wrote a book on twin flames, there is a “strange, inexplicable sense of recognition” when you meet the person. 

“You establish an immediate, intense connection,” she says on her website Lonerwolf, “and you feel as though you’ve finally found a home or safe place with the other person.”   

Add on that an intense attraction and you’ve got the start of a romcom. 

#2. The running-chasing dynamic 

“There’s this sort of mismatch between closeness and distance,” the psychologist explains. “This running, chasing type of dynamic is one of the most obvious telltale signs that someone seems to be not as emotionally or physically available as the other, so there’s this sort of dynamic of running and chasing or chasing and running and vice versa.” 

#3. They just don’t seem that into you 

“So they only intermittently respond to your texts, or they leave long delays to your texts,” Cribb says. 

“Or maybe they cancel on you at the last minute or they ghost you for a while. Or when they’re with you, they don’t really seem too interested in asking you questions about yourself.

“That would be the sort of behaviour of someone who’s more avoidant.”  

For an avoidant person in the stages of a twin flame situationship, it will seem like the other person wants a lot from them. Image: Pexels

#4. You’re always in their inbox 

For an avoidant person in the stages of a twin flame situationship, it will seem like the other person wants a lot from them.

Which to an anxiously attached person can seem like the norm. 

“They’re always in their inbox and they want much more closeness and much more contact than makes them comfortable,” explains Cribb. 

#5. There are similarities

Despite the dynamics, twin flames can actually share a lot of similarities, interests and life experiences.  

“Your twin flame is a mirror of what you fear and simultaneously desire the most for your own inner healing,” Luna explains. 

“And you can be your most authentic self.” 

#6. The relationship will be wild 

“It’ll be much more intense because it’s like a poker machine, right?” Cribb points out. 

“If someone’s actually consistent and available to you, you’ll feel much more safe. It’ll be like a warm bath rather than fireworks, right? Whereas if someone is not quite there for you, and you don’t know if they’re into you or not, you’re like a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. 

“There’s a lot more spark and a lot more of that sort of addictive neuro chemicals going around in your head, so it feels a lot more intense when someone’s not available.” 

Still up for meeting uour twin flame? Image: Pexels

Why an expert doesn’t want you to find your twin flame 

“If you read the twin flame stuff online, they talk about the goal of twin flames being to show you your own wounds and trauma and to heal yourself so that you can eventually come into union with that person,” Cribb says. 

Which, to be honest, sounds like a good thing to us. Having the other half of your soul come along to put you back together would be an easy fix. 

But Cribb says it’s not that simple. "The narrative is just a story, like Cinderella is a story or Sleeping Beauty is a story and the narrative is that they live happily ever after if they work on their stuff,” she explains. 

“In reality, I don’t know too many people who do that self-analysis and work on their own stuff all that much. They just tend to blame the nutty partner.” 

She adds that self-development should always come from within. 

“I don’t think you need to meet your twin flame to do self-reflection,” insists Cribb. "You just have to live and notice your emotions and go inwards rather than outwards and work out what’s causing that.” 

In fact, she thinks we should stay away from the whole twin flame effect altogether. Soulmates as well. 

“I think it’s a very unhelpful message to send someone that there is one person that is their other half or their soulmate and that if you do enough work on yourself, you will eventually find this union with them,” Cribb says. 

“That if you wait long enough and work harder, eventually that person will be there for you. I think it's really dangerous to have a message that this person is your other half, and that he or she gets brought into your life so that you do work on yourself in order to make yourself a better person and find ultimate love.”

Originally published as What is a twin flame, and how do you know if you've met yours?