Mel Buttle: I’ve helped Dad, now to find Mum a partner

In the spirit of fairness I am seeking out a partner for mother the same way I did a couple of weeks back for my dad Barry. Here’s what you need to know about Mum.

IN THE spirit of fairness, and to soothe mother’s bruised ego, I will seek out a partner for her here the same way I did a couple of weeks back for my dad Barry. Some stats: Chris is 67, own home, car and teeth.

She works four days a week and on her days off is on the couch elbow deep in a crossword book, with the Lifestyle channel on in the background.

Chris likes home makeover shows, movies that feature a female lead set in the southern states of America and paying her bills at the post office.

Her new beau must appreciate that she isn’t techno savvy, she’s new to texting, hasn’t ever bought anything online, and is sceptical of whatever an app is.

Mel Buttle: Feed the woman meat, I’ve gone paleo

‘My dad is single and looking for love’

Chris is a homebody – paying $20 for a cafe breakfast is a waste of money when there’s perfectly good toast and cereal at home.

She likes catching up with friends and ordering the most mum thing on the menu after double checking it’s not too spicy, you can never be too careful with a pesto gnocchi.

Chris doesn’t mind a midweek wine or two on the couch and won’t judge you if you also wish to imbibe. She’s financially stable with a very zippy Volkswagen Polo to whiz round in. Mother has never been out of Australia, so don’t expect to be backpacking around Morocco anytime soon.

She’s more of a fish and chips at Scarborough with a can of Solo type of girl.

Chris has been single since 2004 and hasn’t really been actively looking for a bloke – I mean, where would she find the time in between knocking off work at 3pm, and brunch with the girls once every two months?

If you were to date my mum, you’d have to enjoy getting up early as she sometimes gets to work at 5am and she also likes to be tucked up by about 7pm.

So I think your dates would have to start at 4pm and be well and truly done by 6pm. Perhaps mini golf or dinner at an RSL would suit.

I’ll leave the planning up to you on that.

You know where to find her: Woolies at 8am on the hunt for discount meat.

Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian

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