Mel Buttle: Feed the woman meat, I’ve gone paleo

I’m eating like a caveman would in the hope it will mean I can avoid working harder at the gym. This is how I’m going so far, writes Mel Buttle.

I’ve gone paleo. That means I eat like a caveman would – well, as long as a caveman would have an occasional Slurpee, as they’re cheaper than buying a bottle of water.
No matter what eating plan I adopt, I only hear what I want to hear. So, after reading about the paleo plan, the takeaway message I got was that I can eat as much meat as I like. This of course isn’t true, but the heart wants what it wants.

There are of course restrictions. I’ve had to say goodbye to dairy, sugar, carbs and processed food.
Don’t worry, I won’t be doing this forever, it’s just a little trick to get me thinking about what I eat.
Mum has told me she heard that a paleo diet is not good for my heart or gut health, but I refuse to take advice on eating from a woman who loves a salami and pasta salad sandwich for her weekend brunch.

I’ll give you a peek behind the curtain of paleo living.
For breakfast today I had leftover spag bol meat, half an avocado and some blueberries. It fits within the rules, and it’s also the first three things I grabbed from the fridge, very caveman-like of me.

I’ve gone paleo as I will try literally anything to avoid having to work harder at the gym.
My ideal gym visit goes for about 15 minutes. I like the machines where you can sit down. The leg press is very popular with me as it’s a chair, and my arms are free to check my phone.
I like the gym, and I want to get fitter, but I just can’t be bothered to get all sweaty and gross.

I’ve seen slight results from my mediocre gym efforts: some light definition on my biceps which I’ve been proudly showing everyone, trying desperately to extract compliments on my arms like a toddler with a new toy.

I don’t think I’ll last as a paleo. Cauliflower is no substitute for my beloved mashed potato. Cauliflower can be a rice, a pizza base, roasted into chips … it’s shame that a cauliflower is more open to new ideas than me.

I’m heading back to meat, three veg and a weekly Slurpee.

Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian