‘My dad is single and looking for love’

Dad has his own hair, is fit and is set up financially. I’ve not been an active participant in helping him choose, as he would say, “a lady friend”, but after some real mismatches, it’s time to get involved.

Mel Buttle

I never really use this incredible platform for my own good, or the good of others, but today that all changes. My Dad, Barry Buttle, is single and looking. Regular readers would be familiar with the escapades of Barry, in short he’s into being thrifty, getting great parks and being 45 minutes early for everything.

Of course, he is a catch, he has his own hair, is fit and is set up financially. I’ve not been an active participant in helping him choose, as he would say, “a lady friend”, but after some real mismatches, it’s time to get involved.

We are seeking a fun, caring, patient woman to join Barry in his teardrop van, you must obey his washing up procedures and never eat on the carpet. Barry thinks he is very funny, so perhaps familiarise yourself with a 1960s jokebook and be prepared to hear his Navy stories on repeat. He likes to sing in the shower and to John Williamson in the car, 6pm is news time, there’s no flexibility here, and during movies, there is to be no talking. He will not pause it if you get up: you can listen in from the kitchen to keep up.

Preferably we’re after a woman who can turn the budget food items he buys into something delicious. Brand names are for millionaires, Dad says, so expect to shop at Aldi. Not that you’re expected to cook. Dad does the meat on a camp stove on the deck. I’m not sure why, something about the curtains.

Barry isn’t trendy, he likes to go out for dinner where there’s good parking, it’s cheap and not too noisy. Best wishes finding something that fits that brief.

After grocery shopping, it’s good manners to let him tell you how cheaply he got everything. He might hold up
a tin of tuna and raise his eyebrows in your direction. This means you’re now playing Buttle’s The Price Is Right. “Oh tuna, maybe $4,” I say. “Wrong, not even close, 99 cents,” he will reply while neatly placing the tin in his pantry.

If this sounds like something you could tolerate, please get in touch.

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Catch Mel at the Brisbane Comedy Festival Feb 25 to Mar 1, brisbanecomedyfestival.com