‘Just checking to see if you received this’: The best passive aggressive email phrases

On average, I send and receive about 70 emails a day. And it occurred to me today that many of these emails are masterpieces in passive aggression.

On average, I send and receive about 70 emails a day. And it occurred to me today that many of these emails are masterpieces in passive aggression.

I know some of mine are, and this is for many reasons, mostly because I am polite and don’t wish to be rude, but also because I am a coward and don’t wish to engage in any sort of confrontation whatsoever.

These are the exact same reasons, by the way, why I am a chronic over-exclamation-mark user and all my emails are peppered with the following phrases: “Let me know!” “No pressure!”

“Just if you get a moment!” “Please,” I may as well write, “Feel free to completely ignore me! We both know you will! Which is fine by me, Sir!”

Anyway, it also occurred to me that some of my signs-offs are very passive aggressive or, at the very least, are not remotely what I actually want to say.

With this in mind, I thought it might be fun to decode some of the ones I’ve sent, or received, with additional ones provided by my colleagues, along with our translations.

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Hi Judy! Just wondering if you’ve had a chance to look at the last three emails I sent you, or if they’ve gone missing, as you haven’t replied.

Translation: Listen Judy, I know you’ve read all the emails I sent you, stop ignoring them,

you bloodsucking cow.

Frances Whiting shares her masterclass in passive aggressive emails. Picture: David Clark

Hi Frank, Hope you are well! I don’t mean to push but could you please get back to me on those key questions I asked you?

Translation: Hi Frank, I hope you die in a freak elevator accident. I do mean to push you, because you are chronically lazy and it’s the only way you will answer. Also, no one likes your man-bun.

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Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Translation: I’m not remotely looking forward to hearing back from you. I couldn’t care less if I never hear back from you again, but my boss wants those figures, and I haven’t won the Lotto yet, so here we are.

*

Hi Sarah! Just checking if you got my last email? No problem if you have seen it, and aren’t interested, but I’ve given it to you as an exclusive, and a few other people are really keen!

Translation: No one else is keen on this at all. It’s not an exclusive, I’ve offered it to everyone I know. You’re my last shot. For the love of God, please, please take it.

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Hi Matt, No, I’m sorry, I haven’t done those reports yet, thanks for reminding me, though! Where would I be without you?!

Translation: I could not hate you more, Matt.

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Hi Rowan! Thanks for your last email.

As we discussed earlier, this is not something we’d be really interested in at this time. Thanks for your interest though!

Translation: F —k off Rowan.