‘I needed to get a second job’: Frances Whiting to start OnlyFrans for subscribers

In a cost of living crisis, columnist Frances Whiting is getting crafty with supplementing her income and she’s got big plans that will surprise you.

You know that saying “drastic times call for drastic measures”? Well, like many people I know, I’m feeling the pinch of these tough economic times, and have decided – again like many people I know – that I need some kind of side hustle.

Yesterday, I went to the supermarket to do our weekly grocery shop, and the checkout operator said, “That will be $8m, thank you.”

After I regained consciousness, I decided I needed to get a second job, and pronto. All right, it wasn’t $8m, but it was a ridiculous amount of money for what was a pretty basic shop, and it seems like every time I go to the supermarket, it’s more expensive.

After going through the docket to check I hadn’t accidentally put a whole side of beef, or a small investment property in there, I paid, went home and contemplated a supplementary income. But what to do apart from writing?

I don’t have any other skills except for being an excellent reverse parker, dinner party guest, dancer and backgammon player, all of which, while undoubtedly valuable, are unpaid positions.

I was thinking about what else I could do when it came to me. Only Fans! You may have heard of this particular income stream where people apparently pay money to watch other people – mostly women I believe – do things.

Journalist Frances Whiting jokes about her ‘OnlyFrans’ account. Picture: Tara Croser.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and I am not naive, I know most of the time these things involve some sort of nudity, or posing suggestively or showing your feet, but I have come up with my own version: Only Frans!

Now, Only Frans will be a more G-rated version of Only Fans, but no less titillating if I do say so myself. Subscribers to my Only Frans channel will get to see me, the real me, behind closed doors. It will be an intimate glimpse into my life out of the public eye, a private world that Only Frans fans can enter.

Let’s see, if you subscribe to my service, you will see me reading. A lot. Mostly in tracksuit pants and old T-shirts. I know. Could it be any more titillating? Well, get out your credit cards, because yes it can.

Only Fran’s subscribers will also get exclusive access to me putting out the bins, drinking out of the milk carton even though I tell my children not to, and falling asleep watching television.

Only Frans subscribers will also be treated to intimate moments between my husband and I, including, if you can handle the heat, loading the dishwasher together, making breakfast, and arguing in the car.

For Premium Subscribers (look at me go, I’ve even got the lingo) there will be exclusive Only Frans Q and A sessions, where I will personally answer all those burning questions you never even knew you wanted to ask me, like what sort of laundry detergent I use, and wouldn’t you like to know, big boy?

Not really? Then don’t subscribe to my channel, but I must warn you that if you don’t tune into Only Frans, you will be missing out on me endlessly looking for a hair band, and talking about how tired I am.