Bunnings and beers in cans: Mel Buttle’s 16-point guide to dads

When it comes to dads, they all like pretty much the same stuff. Here’s Mel Buttle’s comprehensive list to understanding them.

Dads of all walks of life, ages and interests seem to eventually converge on the same things, so I’ve compiled my non-exhaustive, but still comprehensive list of things dads like.

Perhaps you might be a spiritual dad if you find this list resonates with you, I know I’m into a good park and hosing the driveway off.

Dads also like a shipping container in the back yard to keep things in when the shed is chockers, and they just can’t part with all those jars of nails and books about winemaking.

Which brings me to making their own alcohol in the shed.

Comedian Mel Buttle. Picture: Network 10

Brewing beer or making unusual fruit wines becomes a fevered pastime.

It’s a combination of Dads’ two favourite pastimes, saving money and not being in the house.

Dads also like:

●Buying a part-share in a racehorse.

●Golf.

● Shows about gold mining, living in Alaska, opal hunting and people who live in swamps. Dads love TV shows set in the great outdoors, where people live off the grid. It’s that or documentaries about World War II.

●Chinos and a plaid short-sleeve shirt are now the official uniform of dads leaving the house. Expect to see this at brunch or a wedding. They’ve got the perfect coverall outfit.

Centre of the universe.

● Bunnings is the centre of the universe, a place of serenity, mateship and fascination for dads.

●Not wanting a dog, being forced to get a dog, then falling more deeply in love with the dog than anyone else in the family. It culminates in building the dog a custom bed and doghouse with a veranda. Cut to the dog as dad’s new screen saver.

● Hosing off the driveway in the afternoon and, on a related note, buying a top-level hose and insisting it gets curled up a certain way to make it last longer.

●Weighing up buying a boat or a campervan and, for months on end, watching YouTube clips on each. Regardless, they’ve already got all the gear for whichever choice they make.

● Having one or two dinners they can cook to a barely passable level, but referring to them, for example as, “my world-famous spag bol”.

World famous.

● Getting to know the salesperson, no matter what he’s buying, big or small. Dads will get to personally know whoever is selling him the goods. By the time the deal is done, a dad will know where the salesperson lives, where they went to school and what car they drive.

●They know a bloke “pretty high up” in; the council, Myer, Channel 9. Whatever it is you’re talking about, you can bet a dad will know one of the top brass.

● Dads love a long email address, for example [e-mail]

●A big clean out where they bring the wheelie bin to the front door and hold your childhood memories and art over the bin and say, “Want it, yes or no? Quick!”.

● Beer in cans, it tastes better apparently.

●The news. The six o’clock news is the real news, too, not that muck-around
4pm nonsense.

● A good park. A good park is a free park.