Mel Buttle: What your QLD holiday destination says about you

Dad’s stressed about the lack of parking? You’re in Noosa. Children dressed in natural fibres called Sage? You’re in Byron. Here’s what your favourite holiday spot says about you.

With International travel just a fever dream at the moment, perhaps you’re packing up the car and exploring your own backyard. Here’s my tongue in cheek, yet scarily accurate guide to what your holiday destination says about you.

Coolum: You’ve been going for years, you were up there in ‘81 when no one even knew what Noosa was. You get a little thrill when the local barista remembers you each Christmas. You wouldn’t dream of going anywhere else, Coolum people are very loyal. It’s Coolum or bust.

Maroochydore: Your aunty has a unit there and it’s available for a week in June, while she goes in for a procedure. If you want to stay, write a letter to your Aunty Cheryl and ask nicely.

Main beach at Noosa. Picture: Tourism Noosa

Noosa: If you’re a Queenslander, you think it’s now full of people from Melbourne. Melbourne people think it’s a relaxing getaway with reasonable prices. Dads stress about the parking in town, and love to say, ‘it didn’t used to be like this, now every man and his dog’s here’. Noosa has its longterm diehards too, Brisbane old money who have’t yet made the move to Straddie.

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Byron: Balmain resident’s favourite holiday spot, they’re under big hats with massive sunglasses, they have an unlimited supply of navy and white linen to wear. They would buy up there but worry they’d get bored after a while. Trendy Brisbane families go here too, the kids will be dressed in natural fibres and have names like Sage and Finn.

Peregian Beach: For lovers of what Noosa used to be. The new retirement location of people from Brookfield.

Mooloolaba beach.

Mooloolaba: Jet ski owners, more Vans and Oakley than linen up here. The destination of schoolies whose parents won’t let them go to the Gold Coast, and instead booked them a house and dropped off a lasagne and a six pack of Vodka Cruisers.

Burleigh: Byron for Brisbanites who can’t be bothered with the drive. Birkenstock wearers. Women in felt floppy hats and adult men on fixie bikes sipping juice. I think of Burleigh as Far North Byron.

Mermaid Beach: You found a deal on an apartment online and now you’re here, on the wrong side of the highway telling yourself it was a very good price for this time of year though.

Bangalow: The hot spot for Sydney money, who are thinking of buying a farm, not a real one though, just somewhere to wear their RM Williams boots and have a Land Rover Defender.

Caloundra: Where you go on a combined family holiday, when you’ve just married into a family and want to try and do Easter together with some of your family and your partners family.

View of the Glasshouse Mountains at Maleny.

Maleny: Queenslanders love to go here in winter and pretend it’s Europe, it’s the one place we can wear our puffer jacket we bought to take to Melbourne.

Mount Tamborine: Brand new couples go here for romantic getaways. It’s all spa baths, champagne and cheese board up there. You know all the stuff you do before you’ve farted in front of someone.

Surfers Paradise: You’re 20 and you need somewhere to sleep between pub crawls, night swims and very hungover brunches.

Stradbroke: Ascot and Bulimba residents have a house here, this is where your gastroenterologist goes on holidays. The is the destination for the wealthy who got sick of the hustle and bustle of Noosa in the 90s.