Mel Buttle’s brutal take on Brisbane suburbs: THE FULL LIST

Ascot? Only leave the suburb if heading directly to Noosa. Bulimba? Where old money moves when they get divorced. Comedian Mel Buttle has summed up Brisbane suburbs in a few short sentences - and we’ve compiled the full list, suburb by suburb.

Comedian Mel Buttle threw out a challenge on Twitter recently: “Tweet me a Brisbane suburb and I’ll encapsulate its essence.’’

So far, she’s had more than 100 submissions for suburbs.

Want to know what Mel thinks of where you live? Here’s the full list.

ACACIA RIDGE: Very large dogs. Electric front gates. Good fruit shops.

ALBANY CREEK: Teacher aides live in this suburbs. Still doing chunky blonde foils. Ride on movers for no reason in AC.

ALBION: Noisy. St Margaret’s girl drinking lattes. Not quite Clayfield too much hi vis.

ALDERLEY: Northside Nannas live here, old fat cattle dogs, feels like it would have a great cafe, it doesn’t.

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ANNERLEY: Needs a dog park. Raves about Cafe O Mai too much.

ARANA HILLS: Really happy about the Taco Bell at Keperra.

ASCOT: The oldest of old money. Will not leave the suburb unless heading directly to Noosa. Calls their IGA Sirianni’s.

ASHGROVE: Canterbury jerseys. Two oodle dogs. Holidays at Peregian. Never caught a train in their life.

AUCHENFLOWER: Guaranteed budda somewhere in the house or garden. Not a park to be found.

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BAHRS SCRUB: Always trying to convince you it’s not Logan, they also share too many snake pics on their social media.

BANYO: Think they’re better than Boondall, reply ‘out Nudgee way’ when asked where they live. Border Collie owners.

BARDON: BMW X5’s as opposed to Ascot’s Range Rovers. Architecture money. Not Dr Money.

BOONDALL: Suzuki Swifts. Still very into Oakleys. Always owns too many pets. Has a caravan on premises. Doing a boot camp.

BOWEN HILLS: Cocaine dealers and old money who took their eye off the ball in the 90s.

BRACKEN RIDGE: Old ladies with two small white dogs and a sun visor.

BROOKFIELD: Have only ever been as far as Toowong, very unsure about anything further away than Indooroopilly. ‘We love it out here’.

BROWNS PLAINS: Very proud of their Pizza Hut. No one in that suburb has ever been to the north side of Brisbane, closest they’ve come is South Bank.

BULIMBA: It’s where old money move when they get divorced.

BURPENGARY: Septic tanks and cat breeders.

Comedian Mel Buttle.

CANNON HILL: Boaties who will move to Manly when their Nan dies. No cafes. Hyundai Tucsons.

CARINDALE: Lip filler central.

CHAPEL HILL: Doctors who didn’t want to live in Ascot.

CHELMER: A whole lot of chambray and jangly bracelets, everyone has two dogs. No single dog homes. Think they get a breeze off the river in summer.

CHERMSIDE: Young men with bumbags and very skinny legs.

CLAYFIELD: Has their last name in all capitals on their 4WD sun visor flap for school pickup. THOMPSON.

CLONTARF: ‘We’ve got our local characters, but it’s mostly a good place. The T is never pronounced. Cattle dogs.’

COORPAROO: Cavoodles. Inherited money. AFL players.

CORINDA: Still touchy about the floods. Close to but impossible to get to the city. A really, really good bakery. Bring your golden Labrador.

CORNUBIA: Mid tier lawyers with horsey daughters, Christians love it out there. Yes, you do live in Logan.

DARRA: The best Vietnamese food, just keep your head on a swivel and you’ll be right.

DAYBORO: Hates Samford guts. Blundstones. Not RM Williams. Over the council limits with dog ownership. Sells honey at the front of their place.

DEAGON: Welcome plaque in the hallway made from shells,

EATONS HILL: Ford Territory territory. 3 kids per person minimum. Has a good room.

EIGHT MILE PLAINS: Hairdressers live here.

EVERTON PARK: Everyone’s got an uncle from Everton Park who remembers when it was market gardens and cows.

FAIRFIELD: Too into shopping at Sam Coco’s.

FERNY GROVE: Loves to say, ‘we back onto a bit of bush’.

FERNY HILLS: Everyone has three kids. Pool full of bandaids. Intergenerational – they never leave. Brookside is the big shops.

FIG TREE POCKET: Lovely, but too far away for anyone to see how rich you are.

FORESTDALE: Everyone has a shipping container on their property.

FOREST LAKE: Women starting up their own scented diffuser business. Don’t mention the weed on the lake. Everyone has a kayak.

GEEBUNG: Backyard gardens. Into composting. Too into the Carseldine markets. ‘We’re on the other side’ when asked about closeness to anything shit. Subaru wagons.

GORDON PARK: When mum and dad give you $90k for a house deposit, but you just can’t quite stretch to Wooloowin still.

GRACEVILLE: Dog park is a political minefield. A very good bakery.

GRANGE: Not quite Wilston money.

GREENSLOPES: Obsessed with their IGA.

HENDRA: Clayfield with horses.

HIGHGATE HILL: Really believe they’re a different suburb to West End.

HOLLAND PARK WEST: Just say Holland Park.

INDOOROOPILLY: Dentists. Worst shopping centre carpark in Queensland.

Comedians Mel Buttle, Agro and Jamie Dunn promoting the Brisbane Comedy Festival Gala at Brisbane City Hall. Picture: Liam Kidston

KALLANGUR: Asks you which way you took to get there. ‘How was Anzac Ave this time of day?’ In too many Facebook buy and sell groups.

KANGAROO POINT: Incredibly difficult parking, one cafe. Boomers who downsized for the view, people who run to work. French bulldogs.

KELVIN GROVE: Ride their bikes everywhere. Live on their deck. Does triathlons.

KENMORE HILLS: Always out on a walk. Thinks we should drive out to them to try their local Indian.

KEPERRA: A bald mountain. The worst car park since Indro. Boomers with two old small dogs. Dirt driveways. All went to St Williams primary.

KURABY: Weird street names like Banana.

LOGAN CITY: Love to tell you that Savage Garden are from Logan, way too much fleece and flannel. Windows are always down on cars.

MANLY: Physiotherapists live there.

MIDDLE PARK: Miss Amazons too much. Keep bringing it up.

MITCHELTON: Army personnel whizzing around backstreets. Nice chips on Blackwood Road. Brookside used to have a Myer.

MOOROOKA: Used to rent in New Farm, bought a place at Moorooka so they can get a rescue greyhound.

MORNINGSIDE: Non big name AFL players live here.

MOUNT GRAVATT EAST: Always want to meet at Garden City.

MOUNT GRAVATT: Going self sufficient. Education students. Thinks they’re near the city.

MURARRIE: Everyone has a broken down boat in their yard.

NARANGBA: Breeds guinea pigs and budgies.

NEW FARM: Gay guys who think Clark Rubber is a made up shop. Groodles galore.

NEWMARKET: Nurses in share houses.

NEWPORT: When dad wanted a pontoon and didn’t care how far away from good schools or jobs said pontoon was located.

NORTHGATE: Repeatedly tells you they’re on the train line. Saving up to move to Bridgeman Downs. Really into turmeric.

NUNDAH: Young gym dads with black Labradors, thinking of getting a VW Tiguan.

OXLEY: Darra Heights.

RED HILL: Doesn’t know why saying ‘we bought at the right time’ is annoying. Gets their dips from NoNo’s. Never taken a train.

RICHLANDS: Really keen to make it sounds ages from Inala. ‘We’ve got 4 bedrooms.’ Lots of Hyundai i30s. No cafes, but a generous Subway.

RIVERHILLS: ‘No, not Riverview!’ Brags about their burger shop. RAV4’s everywhere.

RUNCORN: Everyone has a Barina and a townhouse.

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SALISBURY: Only want to talk about their renos. AFL fans. Good antique shops. Kelpie owners.

SAMFORD VALLEY: Don’t mention a Woolworths. Plumbers live there. Kids at Mt Maria.

SANDGATE: A surprising number of lesbians. Rescue dogs. Pick their kids up from school by bike.

SEVEN HILLS: Town house developments in lots of 6 in newly destroyed bush for close to $700k. Bargain. Comes alive when Riverfire is on.

SPRINGFIELD LAKES: Ipswich’s own Fountain Lakes.

STAFFORD: Has the wheelie bin as part of their strategy to keep the dog in.

STAFFORD HEIGHTS: Deck and a VW polo.

ST LUCIA: Money with a conscience. Recycles. Aesop. Skoda wagons.

STONES CORNER: ‘It’s really changed, yeah it’s on the up’. Nowhere to park.

SUNNYBANK: Brisbane’s own Fountain Lakes.

TARRAGINDI: Renovated nan’s house into a 6 bedroom place. Hungarian vizsla owners. Will not use an indicator. Husband drives an Amarok.

TENNYSON: Says ‘no one knows where I live but oh well let’s keep it that way.’

THE GAP: Go camping with their neighbours on school holiday. Love their cul de sac life.

THE VALLEY: Constantly on the phone to body corporate about Airbnb guests being loud in the pool.

THORNESIDE: It’s where many nans live. Big league fans due to the proximity of Wally. A fishing, servo sunglasses underbelly.

TINGALPA: This is where you pick your car up after its been in an accident.

TOOWONG: Not a park left anywhere.

UPPER KEDRON: People who can’t get the scrot up to move to Samford Downs.

WACOL: Has a smell, it’s not unpleasant though. A wonderful place to cop Bai Marie food. The servos ask how you are and mean it.

WAVELL HEIGHTS: Northside’s Carindale. Glass balustrades on their decks.

WELLINGTON POINT: Rum on tap at the pub. Lots of English people hoping it turns into Cornwall. Too many little girls called Grace.

WEST END: Always going to straddie, architects and marketing managers for arts organisations. Sick of explaining what a scoby is.

WOOLLOONGABBA: Best friends with Gail Austin. No parks. The demise of Pearl hit hard.

WOOLOOWIN: Very sensitive about tunnels. Likes to tell people it didn’t used to be so expensive around her. Two small dogs and a golden retriever. Cyclists.

WYNNUM NORTH: Unsure why people go for a drive to Redcliffe and not Wynnum. Still doing cargo pants.