I broke my promise to my dead wife to take care of her daughter with Down syndrome

“Those family members who are calling you names are more than welcome to open their homes to your stepdaughter.”  

A man shares his heartbreak not being able to care for his stepdaughter. Source: iStock

A stepdad has shared his heartbreak after his wife passed away; he promised that her 30-year-old daughter with Down syndrome and unable to live independently, wouldn’t be admitted into a care facility.  

“Before you all start in on the 'evil stepdad who doesn't care' line of thinking, I want to say that I have been in her life since she was five. We've spent years fearing the day when she was physically developed to the point where punches, scratches, and throwing things were a real threat,” he starts in his online post. 

"My late wife was the only one who could reliably calm her down."

Sadly for this man, his wife was diagnosed with cancer. The only thought in her mind was her daughter, knowing she would be leaving her behind. She tried chemo and any alternative treatments to prolong her life.

“She would have stopped all treatment if she was only leaving behind an employable, functioning 30-year-old,” the man shares. 

“On her deathbed, she made me promise to not let her fall into the hands of a state care facility. I promised her because I didn't have the heart not to.”

He shares that he wanted his late wife to pass in peace without worrying about her daughter. However, after a few months of grief, he has since realised he isn’t capable of caring for his stepdaughter full-time. 

“She doesn't understand her mum is dead- only that she's gone and is angry at me for it. Saying she'll be good, so bring her back.”

Unfortunately, with the cost of carers and the rising cost of living, he has no choice but to put her in a care facility - ensuring his safety as well as hers. 

“I made the decision that I needed to put her in a state-run facility, as even with my wife leaving me everything, I couldn't afford anything better. Now, family are calling me the evil stepdad and a mother's worst nightmare,” he concludes, asking for reassurance about his decision. 

A man shares his heartbreak not being able to care for his stepdaughter. Source: iStock

"Your wife did a disservice to her daughter"

The comments sections was full of empathy for the man.

“I am sorry for the loss of your wife. But your wife did a disservice to her daughter by not planning for her future, except for her being there. As a parent with a son with Down syndrome, we are planning what type of group home will be the best fit for him. They are better equipped for her care,” one mother bravely shared. 

A professional caregiver added, “As someone who has worked in these facilities, I will say [did the right thing]. But I do advise that you continue to be in her life. You have no idea how many admissions we would get that would drop off their children and never come see them, never take them out for visits, never bring a birthday cake or take them home for the holiday. She will get the appropriate mental, intellectual and physical help she needs there - but she will still need a family outside of there. She can get a lot better here if she has a support system outside of there” 

And a third said, “This may be your wife’s worst nightmare, but her expectations for her daughter were wholly unrealistic, as your post makes clear. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the horrible situation with your stepdaughter. I hope you find some peace."

"Caring alone for an abusive adult isn't sustainable"

“Those family members who are calling you names are more than welcome to open their homes to your stepdaughter,” another wrote. 

“Sometimes we say things in the height of emotion that is unsustainable when the dust settles. Caring for an abusive adult without the one person who can 'handle' her is not sustainable. Especially solo. What happens when you’re old and frail? What happens if you find a new special someone? What happens if you need a vacation? I’m sure the guilt hurts at times but the reality is that you cannot do this alone. It’s unfair for anyone to think you can or should." 

“None of these people are stepping up and helping you and they expect you to continue to deal with this on your own and that’s not right. You have to do what’s right for you and frankly for her as well. She will probably be better in a facility with people that are trained to deal with her issues and also maybe help her get some self-control. You are doing the right thing.”  

Originally published as I broke my promise to my dead wife to take care of her daughter with Down syndrome