How to stop being a microwave dater

And cook up real connection

Microwave daters show up to dates ready to run, not stay. You’re not there to discover anything new, just to confirm what you already think you know. 

Microwave dating is when you show up to a date and have already decided the outcome. You’re pre-cooked. Armed with your checklist of first-date questions, assumptions, and the readiness to bail at the first whiff of a red flag, you’re not actually there to let anything unfold.

Instead, you’re there to confirm the script narrative in your head: “They follow too many bikini models,” “Their texts seemed way too eager,” or “They wrote lettuce instead of let us – typo or idiot?” You’re there to confirm what you’ve already decided, not to give them a real shot.

But here’s the thing: if you’re using the date to confirm assumptions, you’re missing the point entirely. You’re not showing up with an open mind or letting them show up for you. When you go into a date looking for reasons to cut it short, you’ll find them, whether they’re there or not.

Why you’re stuck in the microwave mentality

Microwave dating feels safe. It shields you from the terrifying possibility of vulnerability, rejection, or, God forbid, connecting with someone. You run the same first-date script over and over, but no matter how many dates you churn through, you still feel empty.

When you show up with a checklist, you’ve already decided how things will go before the date starts. You’re trying to control the narrative, the outcome, and even the person sitting across from you. But the truth is, real intimacy is built in the unknown. It’s built on curiosity, not control.

When you sit down for that first drink or coffee, you’re not truly there to learn, grow, or enjoy yourself. You’re there to avoid any uncomfortable surprises. But newsflash: surprises are the whole point. Microwave dating kills spontaneity, and spontaneity is the magic of human connection.

Real intimacy is built in the unknown. Image: Pexels

Pre-cooked daters don’t learn anything

If you want real connection, the date is where the magic happens, not the match or the messaging. Treat every date like a blank canvas. Show up with curiosity, not judgment. Stop setting conversational traps, waiting for the first wrong answer so you can bolt.

Authentic connection requires spontaneity, not control. Every interaction is an opportunity to create something new in real time. Spontaneity isn’t about being unprepared. It’s about doing enough to be ready, like learning about your attachment style and past relationship patterns, but then being open to letting the moment change you. If you’re too busy looking for reasons to run, you’re missing out on the chance to be surprised.

Think about it: after all the swiping, chatting, flaking, and crushes who turned into Instagram pen pals, you’ve ended up on a date with this person. Of all the people on all the apps, you’re here now. That should mean something. Let it.

If you want real connection, the date is where the magic happens, not the match or the messaging. Image: Pexels

How to cook up something real

So, how do you stop being a microwave dater? First, ditch the checklist. Stop scanning for superficial red flags and icks. If you’re too busy ticking off reasons they’re not “the one,” you’re not giving them a real chance. Show up curious, not calculated. Ask yourself: “What can I learn about this person today that I didn’t expect?”

Next, embrace the unexpected. Not every date will go according to plan, and that’s the point. Dating teaches you to say “yes, and...” to whatever happens. It’s about adapting in real time and enjoying the moment. Of course, always within the boundaries of safety!

Be present, listen and engage. Allow yourself to be altered by the interaction, to give the other person something and take a new learning away. That’s where real connection happens: in the pauses, the active listening, and the moments where you notice what makes them squirm or light up.

You can’t script a connection. The only thing keeping you stuck is your refusal to show up as yourself and give the other person the same chance. The best relationships aren’t born from checklists; they’re created in moments that surprise you. Those moments can only happen if you’re willing to ditch the script, let go, and be real.

Originally published as How to stop being a microwave dater