'My relationship feels too good to be true – here's why it isn't'

Why complicate a good thing?

Has your relationship ever felt too good to be true? Writer Laura Roscioli reflects on the feelings of doubt that plague many healthy relationships and shares five things that really do feel like a fantasy. 

My boyfriend and I recently went on a weekend road trip to visit my family in Adelaide and the whole time I just couldn’t stop thinking “How is this my life?” – but more specifically, my relationship.

I’m cast back to 2014, the year after I graduated high school, the year I went to Italy for the first time, the year I fell in love. I remember sitting at my parents’ big dinner table in the open-plan family room, celebrating my birthday with everyone I loved… except my first love. He “couldn’t make it” because he’d “promised” his friend that he’d go to his gig. The real reason was that he was more in love with someone else.

It was a sad moment for me. It was a moment where I felt that love might always be complicated, that it would be this tug of war, of yearning, of not understanding how something can feel so intoxicating, yet so unreliable.

This theory matched up with all the characters I’d fallen in love with and their love stories, so I didn’t question it. “This must be it,” I thought to myself, as I looked down at my birthday cake and felt a stomach pang of disappointment.

But on the weekend, as I sat at that same table 10 years later with my boyfriend, who was joyfully making dad jokes with my parents and siblings, I felt a different feeling: relief. Calm. (And then) a little moment of fear.

This was all I’d ever wanted — a boyfriend whose brain I loved, who I found sexy, who I could bring to family events, who supported me, who I felt at ease around. And here he was! Was it too good to be true? I found myself asking my subconscious.

A sense of calm is a great sign in a relationship. Image: Pexels

In the car on the way home, I told him how I felt. I told him about my first love and my birthday disappointment. I told him how grateful I was that he was here now. That I never thought I’d be in a relationship like this, but that I was so relieved I was. And a little afraid that maybe it was all a little too good?

He laughed. “I feel the same!” he said. “But it is just good. It has been from the start.” And he’s right.

The moment we reconnected early last year, when we sat down for a coffee to talk about “work”, I knew something was going to happen between us and it was going to be great. Even in those early moments – when I was nervous as hell on our first proper date at a fancy restaurant, when I had to have a glass of bubbly wine before seeing him to calm my nerves, when I had to keep taking bathroom breaks to give myself a pep talk mid-date – I had this underlying sense of calm. He didn’t make me anxious.

I never thought I’d be in a relationship like this, but I was so relieved I was.Image: Canva.

We weren’t without our complications – him fresh out of a long-term relationship, me a girl that loves constant communication – but even in the moments of nervousness, grey area and long reply times, I had this knowing that everything was going to be okay, and I was right.

We’ve been together for over a year now, and I’ve never felt more connected and in love. He feels the same.

I’ve never had such consistently powerful sex. He feels the same.

I’ve never felt angry or upset at him. He feels the same.

So then, why am I worried it might be too good to be true? I think there are a few layers to this.

Why am I worried it might be too good to be true? Image: iStock

Layer 1: Mainstream representations of love don’t look like this

They don’t look straightforward and simple; they look complicated and romanticise suffering. Therefore, we assume that either love is not simple OR simple love is so rare that it’s not relatable enough to put in films, books or TV shows. These are not promising odds.

Layer 2: ‘Good things don’t last’ is a cliche that lives on in our cynical Western world far too much.

I consciously try to not live my life with that mentality, but it gets to me in moments like this. When I look at my boyfriend being incredible, I think “Hey! Should I be worried?” simply because I’ve been feeling consistently great in this relationship without any rude interruptions.

I think this is just as true in romantic relationship dynamics as it is with things like work, health and family, and tbh I think it’s a mind over matter type thing. Surely?

Layer 3: We get a bit scared when we’re vulnerable, and I’m super vulnerable right now.

I’ve never been more myself with someone I have sex with, ever. I’m just letting him see me. I’m getting upset when I’m upset, anxious when I’m anxious, honest about situations I’m finding hard, whether it be with him or others – and none of it has scared him away, which is the way it should be.

But it definitely makes me feel vulnerable. Like he really knows me, like I have a lot to lose. And maybe, that little bit of fear – that I think is a healthy amount when you choose to open up – is the voice in the back of my mind (the little devil’s advocate) asking whether this may or may not be too good to be true.

Mainstream representations of love don’t look like this. Image: iStock

So I say, 'Be damned little devil!' This simplicity and ease, this is real love. I’ve decided that I refuse to live in a world where this kind of love is too good to be true. It’s the best, most romantic, most sustainable, most pleasurable love I’ve ever known.

So here are five of the reasons this relationship feels too good to be true. These are things that haven’t existed for me in previous relationships, but definitely should have. These are things that are simple, but when joined all together, make for a powerful sense of calm and joy. These are things that if you don’t have in your current relationship – but want! – it might be time to check in with yourself, and your partner.

This simplicity and ease, this is real love. Image: iStock

#1. He always likes my outfits

This might sound like a no-brainer, but it’s not something I had in past relationships. The only way I can explain it is as a form of acceptance. He accepts and celebrates me for who I am, and that includes how I dress. He loves the things that make me me (like the amount of leopard print I wear casually) and he tells me so, often.

In past relationships, I’ve been conscious of how I look and what I wear. I’ve been aware of what they’ll think, what they’ll say, how they’ll behave, what they might say to me… and that is not a feeling of love. It’s a feeling of stress!

After my most recent break-up, I had one of those moments where I realised I’d lost my ‘look’, or more that I didn’t have one anymore. I’d stopped trusting my instincts on what I thought looked good on my body.

In past relationships, I’ve been conscious of how I look and what I wear. Image: iStock

#2. I never feel anxious in restaurants

It’s a weird one, I know. I absolutely love being in restaurants – dining out is one of my favourite acitivities – but often in my last relationship, I’d feel anxious in restaurants.

I have endometriosis, which impacts me in a bunch of unpleasant hormonal ways. Aside from the actual pain that comes with an endo period, the PMS symptoms can be extremely overpowering. Things like nausea, light-headedness, brain fog, lack of hunger and hot flushes were something I was experiencing often, in that period of my life. And they would be even worse in restaurants.

I think it’s because you feel like people are watching you. Like you’re being ‘waited’ on, so you’re constantly being checked in with. And when you don’t feel well, it’s kind of a nightmare. These symptoms also breed anxiety, because they’re invisible.

I never feel anxious in restaurants. Image: Getty

It’s a hard experience to summarise but I guess the relationship I was in wasn’t supportive or understanding of this experience, therefore it felt exacerbated in restaurants. Not only were the staff aware of me, but so was my boyfriend. I just wanted the symptoms to go away, I wanted to be easygoing, happy-go-lucky and just not an inconvenience… and so did he.

I don’t feel that way with my current boyfriend: I’ve had the same feelings in restaurants, and his calm and caring demeanour makes me feel more relaxed. It doesn’t make them go away, but I feel less panicky.

Once, I told him before we left the house and he said “We don’t need to go!” and I believed him. So we stayed in bed and ate pizza and I felt relieved and hungrier than I would’ve if I was in public.

I wanted to be easy going, happy-go-lucky. Image: iStock.

#3. I don’t feel afraid to vocalise vulnerabilities

Often in relationships, we have complicated feelings about things. Or feelings we can’t even put a name to. In these moments, it’s important to talk about them, because these are the things that manifest into ugly emotions — like resentment — if we don’t vocalise how we’re feeling. These moments also help us to understand each other better. They’re vulnerable, where we’re learning how we feel and how the other person responds to that. It’s a courageous exchange.

Talking doesn’t feel hard with my current boyfriend. He doesn’t react in a fiery way, he’s not defensive and ready to fight. He always listens calmly, asks questions and tells me his feelings. We talk things out with curiosity, because we want to learn about each other. It’s a refreshing experience and makes me feel like there’s really no problem or feeling we can’t talk about.

Talking doesn’t feel hard with my current boyfriend. Image: iStock

#4. He reassures me with ease

I think reassurance takes emotional maturity, and my boyfriend does it with ease. When I’m not feeling good about something, his immediate instinct is to ease my mind, make me feel better, hug me, tell me what I mean to him et cetera.

This is a simple but massive gesture, to me. It just means that he cares and is willing to put others before himself when it matters. And that is an attractive quality, let me tell you!

Reassurance goes a long way in relationships. Image: Pexels

#5. I’m not needy

Past boyfriends have called me “needy”, my current boyfriend does not. But in all of their defense, I’m not as needy in this relationship as I have been in previous ones. And I think that's a testament to him.

Age and experience definitely play a part too, but in this relationship I know where I stand. I feel like I can be myself out loud. I’m not left in the dark, the grey area, the great unknown, and we don’t have conversations that make my head spin with questions. I feel like I know who he is and I can trust that. So, there’s no need to be needy, right?

In my experience, neediness is a sign of something feeling unstable, like the floor could collapse beneath you without warning. This relationship doesn’t feel like that (thank God), but I’ve had ones that have.

Originally published as 'My relationship feels too good to be true – here's why it isn't'