In a world of blatant ghosting and cut-throat swipes on dating apps, calling it quits on an IRL partner can be tough, especially when you’ve invested your time and heart into the relationship.

With mixed feelings ranging from fear, sheer sadness, and ‘Am I doing the right thing?’, particularly when you’ve been together for a while, to defeat that it didn’t work out or even ‘What a relief – thank God it’s over’ – every break-up is different, and conjures up different emotions.

“I think it can be really challenging, depending on the reasons why you’re leaving a relationship and how long you’ve been trying to make it work can make a big difference as well,” Lara Maree, a clinical sex and relationship therapist tells Body+Soul.

“So how do you break up with someone? You break up with them with integrity and respect because that’s something I see that’s missing a lot around break ups. And integrity and respect are fundamental, as well as learning how to have kind and honest break up communication.”

Because even though Maree admits “it’s going to be hard” on your mental health, whether it was a short-term or long-term partnership, she says break-ups are “actually the place where we grow as people”. “So respecting what you’ve had with somebody, despite where it's got to, is really, really important.” 

How do you know it’s time to break up with someone?

While everyone's a little bit different, the therapist says it comes down to some pretty big things and isn’t a rash decision. 

Values that don’t align: Having different values to your partner or a lack of shared vision, such as what you want your life to look like together. 

A lack of emotional intimacy: When they stop investing in the relationship and then just become a bit more empathetic around it. 

Arguing over the same things: If you're constantly having the same fights over and over again, where you’re blaming or criticising each other, and avoiding dealing with the relationship.

If your love language is being ignored If your needs aren’t being met in regards to intimacy, acts of service or how you’re spoken to, that can be really problematic.

Mismatched sexual desires: Everyone has a different level of what’s important to them when it comes to sexual desire, intimacy and affection, but mismatched levels could become an issue.

“So I think when those things start to erode, you’ve got to either do the work mutually or you have to just say, ‘Hey, you know what, there are plenty of fish in the sea’,” says Maree. 

Steps for breaking up

#1. Do it in person 

“There is no question that obviously a breakup needs to be done face to face,” the relationship therapist says. “I mean, some circumstances won’t allow for that for instance if you’re long distance, but ghosting is a terrible thing to do to someone or to just disconnect.” 

#2. Honour the relationship

“Being respectful and honoring the relationship and the good times you had previous to ending the relationship is really important,” Maree explains. 

#3. Be honest but not too honest 

Say what you feel but maybe not everything. Like if you’re not sexually attracted to them anymore. “Whatever it might be, you need to be mindful about the language you use and being kind to someone when you’re saying, ‘Hey this is the end of my relationship’,” says the expert.  

#4. Be very clear that it’s over

“The other thing is not being ambiguous about ending the relationship,” she explains. “Some people keep these blurry lines and leave people hoping that their relationship is going to rekindle, but I don't think that's kind, fair or respectful to the moving on process. Be really clear about your intentions and that you’re not holding on to the ‘maybes’ of what might be or may not be.” 

#5. Take personal responsibility

“As the person initiating the break up, you can’t blame someone else for the choices that you're making or how they are,” Maree says. “It's really important to be responsible for the role you play in the break up and where you want to go in your life, and that the relationship is not aligning with where you want to be. So I think it's really taking a sense of ‘I’ and responsibility of self, rather than actually putting anything on the other person.” 

#6. Don’t say you’ll stay friends..yet 

“I’m a big believer that you can be friends with an ex in the long run, but I don't think jumping into a friendship is great straightaway,” the relationship therapist says, adding that significant boundaries will need to be set, while being respectful around social media and mutual friendships.  “I think it can take quite a lot of time to heal, particularly if one partner is not necessarily ready for the breakup. So I do think that, yes, you can be friends, but I think friendship takes time to build and you need to reestablish that first.”