The 10 things plane passengers do that drive us crazy

Sometimes we have to grit our teeth and shake our heads at the antics of our fellow travellers.

Dawdling at security screening and immigration

Look, some travellers are rookies, and airports can be confusing. But what’s with the people in passport and security queues who don’t seem to realise, until they’re right up at the counter, that something might be required of them? Only then, as you stand impatiently behind them, do they start rummaging through cavernous bags in the hunt for laptops, passports, boarding passes, water bottles and knick-knackery. Come on, get sorted!

You have plenty of time to get organised before you hit the front of the queue. Use it.Credit: iStock

Excessive carry-on luggage

Talking of cavernous, what’s with passengers who haul their entire worldly goods on board, seemingly in order to survive the flight? You know the types: in security lines, they open up multiple bags like magicians, leaving the rest of us to goggle as they pull out 100-millilitre bottles of creams and potions, entire makeup kits, polar anoraks, quick-change clothing, laptops and tablets, two-dozen roses, chandeliers and an entire gamelan orchestra set.

Queueing to board

The plane is not going to leave without you.Credit: iStock

The less time I’m squeezed into an airline seat the better. I’m going to be cramped and risking DVT for 14 hours: why would I extend that another half-hour by being first to board? And yet long before the gate opens, passengers queue as if the plane might leave early. Particularly baffling is that business-class passengers are invited to board first, as if that’s a special treat. Really? Shouldn’t they be asked last?

Failure to understand basic geometry

Nope, your colossal suitcase that, against the odds and regulations, you’ve smuggled on board, isn’t going to fit in the overhead locker no matter how hard you try to shove it in. Ditto your didgeridoo, artwork or weird-shaped thing in bubble wrap. And while on the subject: if your carry-on luggage is too heavy for you to lift, don’t expect other people to do it for you, and risk a back injury.

Call-button enthusiasts

Only use the call button when necessary.Credit: iStock

A call button isn’t Aladdin’s lamp, and flight attendants aren’t personal butlers. That doesn’t stop a sense of entitlement among certain passengers, who’ve paid $2000 for their airline ticket and yet think a free drink is an astonishing treat. They always want something obscure, like an Andalusian liqueur, bitter lemon or a certain brand of beer. They want flight-attendant help with their luggage. A blanket. Another pillow. A last-minute vegetarian meal. Come on, give it a rest.

Horrendous hygiene practices

Planes, like all public spaces, aren’t clean. Studies show that screens and entertainment controls, tray tables and seat handles are among the least hygienic spots – sometimes more so than toilets. Serious germs have been detected, such as E. coli. Besides, who wants to start a holiday with a flu or cold? But hey, by all means chew your nails, lick your fingers, and eat your lunch with your unwashed hands. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

Inappropriate dress

No, not that sort. Not for me to judge your sartorial choices, either on a plane or off it. Wear your halter tops and cut-offs, your too-short footie shorts and singlets if you want (but maybe wear some shoes: nobody else enjoys bare feet). The thing I don’t get is how the scantily clad don’t freeze to death under the blast of frigid air-conditioning. Or how they don’t get arrested on arrival in some countries, where sartorial choices actually are judged.

Crowding the baggage carousel

Just stand back so everyone can see. It’s not hard.Credit: Alamy

Naturally, after 30 hours in transit, you pray your baggage will be the first to get coughed up on the carousel and you can go home. But some people seem to think they can conjure its early appearance by standing right against the carousel, blocking others’ access – and not even moving aside as suitcases are hauled off.

Here’s a hint: you can see suitcases coming, and it only takes two seconds to step forward a few paces and retrieve yours. Stand back!

Staying immobile during the entire flight

I’m amazed by the hibernators who invariably take a window seat, surround themselves in blankets and neck pillows, and promptly fall asleep – enabled by a pill, no doubt. I’ve been on 10-hour flights and seen such people barely budge, let alone get up – not even to go to the toilet.

How is this possible? What about DVT? Who knows. I imagine the cleaning crew eventually resuscitates these mummies after everyone else has disembarked.

Wanting to join the mile-high club

Just … no. It’s hard to imagine how two people (or more – no judgement) could fit into an airline toilet, let alone get their kit off and contort themselves for any satisfying rumpy-pumpy at 35,000 feet. Besides, most passengers are tired, grubby and have bad breath and travel-stress sweat. And lastly, you could hardly conceive of a less sexy locale in which to do the locomotion. Calm yourself down: do a crossword puzzle instead.