Sorry, but kids should be banned from luxury resorts

Luxury island resorts and retreats should never allow children - unless they specifically target the family market. There, I’ve said it: let your comments flow. Before you write, though, let me say: I’m no child hater. It’s not the kids at these sorts of places I want to avoid; it’s the parents who feel it’s okay to bring them there.

Jean-Michel Cousteau Resort is one of the few luxury resorts that successfully caters to families.

I’ve spent 20 years as a travel writer (yes, and before you comment, I am incredibly grateful), and it’s led me to this conclusion. Many luxury resorts do cater for children – in the snow, for example. But there’s plenty to do in the snow, and everyone wears a lot more clothes. But the whole point of an uber-luxurious island resort or retreat is to do very little. Or maybe even … nothing at all. And what part of doing nothing at all works for children? You might be looking for mindfulness – but they’re looking for table tennis.

The problem isn’t always with parents, mind you. It’s tough filling a resort these days, and by opening yourself up to the family market, luxury island resorts are increasing the size of their potential market. But the main problem with this is: what happens if your kids are the only kids there?

I recently stayed at a high-end South Pacific island retreat that made a big deal on their website about allowing children to stay (it didn’t offer much for children, just the permission to be there), then watched the only kid staying on the island traipsing miserably behind his parents for four days. And the exact same thing happened last year on the other side of the world at a resort so romantic I was part of one of the few couples staying there that wasn’t on a honeymoon. Unless an island markets itself as a genuine family resort – with kids’ clubs and plenty of suitable activities and family dining options – you can bank on you and your juniors being the odd ones out.

I’m not suggesting for a moment that families can’t stay on island resorts – and I also know intergenerational travel is a big deal these days – but choose one that suits. And guess what: it’s highly unlikely to be the luxurious and insanely expensive one. There’s a whole ocean of island options out there that don’t involve encroaching on couples escaping on that one romantic trip away they’ve been planning for years.

No resort does a better job of appealing to both couples and families than Fiji’s Jean-Michel Cousteau Resort. But it’s a (expensive) rarity – because it gets the balance just right. And it markets itself as a luxury family resort, so no couple can ever say they’re surprised on arrival. It offers a family restaurant in a more relaxed setting and a completely separate bar and restaurant for couples and groups of adults (as well as private meals served everywhere from the end of a pier to your own private island). It also offers kids programmes for every age and a dedicated nanny for every child under the age of six.

But there are many resorts that fail. There’s a difference between encouraging families to stay and putting up with kids. Check the wording on the sites of those lavishly expensive resorts that do allow children to stay: there’s a good chance your child is going to be bored out of their mind.

When you’re choosing, consider: Do kids really need degustation dinners? Or do they prefer buffets or à la carte options that never end and meals that do as soon as the food does (I once saw a 10-year-old girl suffer through a three-hour meal with her European parents in a candlelit restaurant on a tiny island retreat)?

And do they need flowers strewn across the private pool in their villa? Wouldn’t they prefer a big public one, with other kids in it, playing volleyball and tag, or Marco Polo? Ask yourself: do your children really have to arrive by helicopter? And do they really care about a view?

It’s rare to find somewhere that allows couples to completely disappear from reality for a while – especially couples with kids (who somehow managed to find someone to offload them on for a few days). Let’s allow them that refuge and save your kids from a $2000-a-night meltdown all at the same time.