Ten things we’ll never understand about Ireland

Who doesn’t love the Irish, even if we need subtitles to understand their accents? Yet even then not everything is clear, with plenty about Ireland to puzzle the traveller.

The cliches

Not all Irish people are red-headed (though some are).Credit: iStock

Why does it still seem acceptable to trot out racist stereotypes about the Irish you’d never utter about anyone else these days? You know the ones: feckless, garrulous, hot-tempered, violent, politically troublesome, fond of the bottle. Some of the cliches are positive but just as silly: not all Irish are friendly, charming, witty, lucky or red-headed, either. Time to confine Irish jokes and casual racism to history’s dustbin.

The storytelling

The pub is a good place to get a dose of Ireland’s greatest asset: the craic.Credit: iStock

OK, maybe one cliche holds much of the time: the Irish love talking. Good news for solo and sociable travellers, who’ll find the Irish will strike up conversations in pubs, on buses and planes, and in lifts. On the downside, you might ask a simple question and get a half-hour answer. On the plus side, many Irish have a way with words that makes even the simplest of observations entertaining. The craic is Ireland’s greatest asset.

Tea drinking

If you want to start a conversation that continues all day, ask the Irish whether Lyons, Barry’s, Thompson’s or Bewley’s tea is better. Actually, you don’t need to ask: you’ll hear all about it anyway. The Irish aren’t obsessed with beer, as the stereotype has it, but with tea, which they consume at every opportunity. They’re second in the world for tea consumption, beating even the British. It’s all ruined, though, by being served boiling hot with the addition of sugar and milk.

St Patrick’s Day

St Patrick’s Day parades in Dublin are a relatively new phenomenon, adopted from the US.Credit: iStock

How a fifth-century Welsh missionary became associated with drunken revelry is something Americans need to explain since, like that other Celtic festival Halloween, they’re mostly responsible for modern, secularised St Patrick’s Day observances, and especially parades. In Ireland, St Patrick’s Day has traditionally been about low-key religious observance and charity functions. But it was reinvented as a secular, party-style event in the ’90s and these days half a million people turn up for the celebration.

The Blarney Stone

There is no scientific evidence that kissing the Blarney Stone improves your eloquence. Credit: Alamy

This block wedged into Blarney Castle’s battlements is the world’s most baffling tourist attraction. Kissing it is said (with no evidence) to transfer to you the gift of the gab, or supposed eloquence associated with the Irish. The €20 ($33) entrance ticket and endless queues of hopeful international visitors will leave you speechless, however. No refund if you walk away unendowed with the wit of Oscar Wilde, either.

Giving directions

Never ask the Irish for directions. Bless them, they’re helpful people, but directions turn into entire stories. Irish directions involve moveable objects (“Turn right when you see a tractor”), perplexing personal references (“Go left at the church I was married in”), plus an earful of irrelevant although amusing information about the shortcomings of assorted cousins and local politicians. Google “asking for directions in Ireland” and enjoy the YouTube mayhem.

The fuss about Guinness

Guinness: like bitter mud to the uninitiated.Credit: iStock

The black beer created in a Dublin brewery in 1759 is one of the world’s most recognisable alcohol brands and the best-selling alcoholic drink in Ireland. That doesn’t make it a terrific beer and, if you aren’t used to stouts and try it for the first time, you’ll probably think it tastes like bitter mud with a hint of coffee. Each to their own. Incidentally, Guinness is no longer Irish: it’s owned by a British multinational.

Irish dancing

Irish dancing, popularised by the Riverdance show, exploded in the ’90s.Credit: Getty Images

Just … what the? We can recognise the skill involved, but just why Irish dancing stormed the world in the mid-1990s is a great mystery of pop culture. This funny dance, in which stiff-as-a-board participants stare straight ahead while jiggling their legs like puppets, has become one of the world’s most recognised dance forms. Yet few dances are less dreamy or romantic, and none less conducive to actually joining in, unless you want to dislocate a hip.

The weather positivity

Nice weather for a fire.Credit: iStock

The big downside of Ireland is the unpredictable weather, but the Irish will find the positive in even the most ferocious gale (“The sharper the blast, the sooner it’s past”) or gap in the rain (“Great drying weather”). The rain can be lashing, whipping or bucketing, but you’ll be comforted with the observation that at least the day isn’t cold. And if it is cold, it will be described as a lovely day for the fire.

Potatoes

Ireland is synonymous with potatoes and, if you’re staying in self-catering accommodation, you can have a fine time exploring the delights of Home Guards, Maris Pipers, Golden Wonders and Kerr’s Pinks. How is it that Irish spuds taste so much better than they do anywhere else – or are Australian potatoes just especially horrible? Maybe it’s the soil and climate. Be warned: once you’ve had a floury boiled, baked or mashed potato in Ireland, you’ll be forever disappointed anywhere else.

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