Opinion: Qld police shooting shows parenting has no guarantees

No matter how well we think we parent, there are no guarantee how our kids are going to turn out, writes Kylie Lang.

As shocking details continue to emerge over the execution of two young police officers and a good Samaritan neighbour, cowardly shot in the back, it is impossible to comprehend what drove two brothers and their partner to commit such heinous crimes.

The unfathomable murder of innocent people – Constable Matthew Arnold, 26, Constable Rachel McCrow, 29, and Alan Dare, 58 – has shattered their families and left a state, and a nation, reeling.

And while no tears will be shed by a despairing Australian public over the loss of killers Gareth, Nathaniel and Stacey Train, shot dead by police special forces, their families too are broken.

The sad fact is that we don’t know how our kids are going to turn out. No matter how well we think we parent, there are no guarantees.

The father of the twisted Train brothers could not have predicted that two of his four children would become among the most despised people in the country.

Estranged from them for 23 years, he could not have envisaged they would open fire on police and a neighbour at their Wieambilla property on the Darling Downs, west of Brisbane, on Monday.

Nathaniel and Stacey Train on their wedding day. Picture: A Current Affair

Ron Train, a former Baptist minister from Toowoomba, says he and late wife Gwen raised their four children the same way, with Christian values.

What led two to commit such atrocities may come to light in the rigorous investigation promised by Police Commissioner Katarina Carroll.

But it may not. The men and Stacey – who was once married to Nathaniel and is believed to have entered into a relationship with Gareth – are dead, and besides, how can we ever fully understand what goes on in another’s brain?

When asked if he felt any responsibility for the actions of his estranged sons, Mr Train replied: “Absolutely not, I can’t. Those decisions were made as adults. I can’t accept responsibility for something an adult made.”

He told A Current Affair’s Chris Allen on Wednesday that he understood people would be critical of him.

“I read something about, ‘he should have raised his children better’, but that is just an ignorant comment because I haven’t seen them for 23 years, so I don’t know what they’ve done in that period of time.”

Mr Train said the sons had “completely lost their way in life” and gone “down a dark track”.

And he asked Australians “for compassion and understanding” because he too was grieving.

Gareth Train later formed a relationship with Stacey. Picture: A Current Affair

I subsequently contacted Mr Train, seeking further comment, but he did not respond to my voicemail.

As readers of this column will attest, I am often critical of poor parenting, including the way some fathers and mothers rush to defend their children who commit crimes or behave otherwise appallingly.

But Mr Train has refused to excuse his sons’ actions, saying “there is no excuse at all” and what they did was “horrific”.

He and his wife were “heartbroken” when their boys severed ties with the family in their 20s.

“We tried to find answers within ourselves, whether we were responsible, but we weren’t, we had to eventually say, they’ve made this decision as adults, and we couldn’t do a thing about it,” he told A Current Affair.

Children becoming estranged from their parents is an increasing phenomenon, according to psychologist Joshua Coleman, and parents suffer the most after the split.

Dr Coleman – author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict– says parameters of family life have changed in the past 50 years.

Father Ronald Train. Picture: A Current Affair

The pursuit of individualism now overshadows the traditional obligations and value of belonging to a family unit.

“In my experience, part of what confuses today’s parents of adult children is how little power they have when their child decides to end contact,” he wrote in The Atlantic a few months ago.

“From the adult child’s perspective, there might be much to gain from an estrangement … including the claiming of authority in a relationship, and the sense of control over which people to keep in one’s life.”

But he says for the father or mother, “there is little benefit when their child cuts off contact”.

“Parents instead describe profound feelings of loss, shame, and regret.”

Ron Train says he had a “complete meltdown” after police arrived at his home on Tuesday.

He says Nathaniel and Gareth “can’t be brought to justice now in this secular world” but they will “stand before God for what they’ve done”.

As we keep in our thoughts and prayers the stricken Arnold, McCrow and Dare families – and others at the scene whose lives have been irrevocably impacted by the cold-blooded rampage – we should also remember that the fallout doesn’t end there.

Aerial vision of the crime scene at Wieambilla. Picture: Nine News

LOVE

Say what you like about the Netflix documentary Harry & Meghan – British broadcaster Piers Morgan has branded the Duke of Sussex a “traitor to a country he once served” – but I think Princess Diana would’ve been proud of her son for standing up for what he believes is best for his immediate family. It might not be an optimal way to go about it, but his conviction seems genuine.

LOATHE

Yvette D’Ath admitting, after more than two years as health minister, that her department has “cultural issues” and some Queensland Health staff are scared to speak up. What took so long, Minister? After Covid-19 hotel quarantine bungles, fiascos at Mackay and Caboolture hospitals, and DNA testing stuff-ups, you now also say, “We promote people who don’t necessarily have the skills to be a manager or a leader.” No kidding.

Kylie Lang is associate editor of The Courier-Mail

Originally published as Opinion: Qld police shooting shows parenting has no guarantees